Let's Get Real...

I'm going to be very open and honest with you about something: my fire's been burning low lately. You know when that happens to you? When the things of God just start to interest you a little less and less and you start living or acting a bit more selfishly than you would when you're more active in your walk?

Maybe it's been the pressure of the world around me, or maybe it's been the disappointment I've had with people and myself (and, trust me, there's been a lot of that) but I've been abandoning the process of daily renewal I once dedicated myself to, and I've allowed hurt and frustration to determine how I'm walking with God.

I honestly wasn't going to post about this, but, around this time last year, right before Camp 4:12, I posted something about how I felt like I needed to re-evaluate the things in my life and just remind myself of why I do anything. God spoke to me very specifically at camp about it all, and Nate even used the very words that I had written about *he doesn't read my blog* to explain what God was trying to tell me.

Now, almost a year later, I sit and think about what Paul wrote in Revelation about God's only problem with the church in Ephesus as He says,
               
              "Yet I hold this against you: you have forsaken the love you had at first."

And I think about my own walk with God. I think that, like the church, I've done everything right. That is, almost everything. Earlier on, God is talking about how they've done good deeds, worked hard, and persevered; I'd have to say I've done the same this past year. I'd say I've done that a lot this year. However, similarly, I have forsaken the love I once had for God.

This isn't confession time or me trying to write a discouraging post, but, rather, it's a challenge to consider where you yourself are in your own journey and a testament to how God is actually working and moving in me. It's amazing how faithful love is. Even though my fire has been burning lower than it once had, I can confidently say that it's still burning... because nothing can separate me from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.

Looking back, I realize that a lot of what left a bad taste in my mouth was all complication of the simple passion I once had for Christ. I know it's easy in church to just give lip service, and watching people and, even myself, not fulfill all my expectations or not be as committed to their calling as I thought they'd be made it so that I questioned if I could really do what I wanted to for God.

But really, what I challenged myself to do in that last blog post before Camp last year, what I've been consistently challenged to do in this previous season I've been in, and what our youth group has been challenged to do in the "Follow" series we just had, is the way to continuously activate our fire.

And it's this, to ask ourselves this one question: Why did I start following Jesus in the first place?

I know it's hard. It's hard to walk humbly with God like I desire to. It's hard when I want others to feel the same way I do about the works of God, and they simply don't. But I listened to a message today that made a good point. The pastor said that God's presence can be compared to a campfire. Some Christians like to get as close to the fire as possible without getting into it, and that, just because you feel the heat, it doesn't mean you're burning. However, our God is an all-consuming fire. So if we have Him inside of us, so long as we are continuously fanning our flames, our lives will produce the heat that gives evidence of our walking with Him.

This message had been everything that had been on my mind. Lately, I've thought a lot about the verse in Acts where the Bible talks about the people's impression of the disciples and it says, "they were astonished, and took note that these men had been with Jesus."

I want my life to be as evident as that. I want people to be able look at me and say, "she's been with Jesus." I'm sure we all do. But the funny thing about that is, in order for our lives to manifest such commentary, we actually have to spend time with Jesus, and spending time with Him is easiest done when we remember why we fell in love with Him in the first place and then we vow to renew that love daily.

I've been very discouraged by the fruit of the lives of the Christians today (myself included), and I think it's caused me to want more from my own life. I, like many of us, have asked God to break my heart for what breaks His, but I've also asked Him to not let me succeed in things that don't matter... and He brought me back to that same concept of love. Again, I now I've posted about this (love) before, but it's just evidence that God is speaking this to me in an urgent way. He tells me in His word that, if I do anything else in life, yet fail to love, I have failed in every way. I've known that, but I haven't really known that.

I got a word a few months ago about how God was preparing to take me to a new level, and it's funny that this word was given to me at a time where I was extremely dissatisfied.



That's how I've been feeling about God. I just want to get back. So I told God this, and I made a goal for this summer. It's kind of a big one and a bold one, but I'll share it with you too. I made the goal that I wanted to get closer to God than I've ever been in my entire life, and I find no coincidence that God led me to think about love even more than I had before as soon as I made that goal.

I want to live a life of meaning and of evidence of the God I serve, so that means I need to love. I thought about love and God being the embodiment of love, and I realized I was asking what love is when I should have been asking who love is, and God is love. The closer I get to love, the closer I get to God.

It's interesting that when God told Joshua He would give Him every place He set his foot to, He told him that He would do so only if he followed the law. Today, the only law we have before us is to love the Lord our God with all our being.  But if we love God, that means we love people.

 And that's the heart of the gospel. While we were sinners, Christ loved us. He loved us enough to set us free from whatever addiction, bondage, guilt or hurt that held us down, so we fell in love with Him. Now our mission is to love Him back, and our proof of love for Him is the love we have for others.


I want to love God, and I want to love like God does. To truly love like He does... and I know that will be hard... But I already know anything easy probably isn't going to be worth it.

I want my life to be worth it.


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails...

One day, I'll be able to replace my name with the the word 'love.'

I'm excited for camp. I truly am. But, this year, I see a different excitement and expectation than I did last year. I see an individual longing and preparation for a move of God in each one of us, and a coming renewal of His presence that will bring something of the magnitude we see in Acts chapter 4. It's not a collective, giant group announcement of how great camp will be this year, but, rather, I think it's a soft whisper in each of our hearts that God wants to bring us up to the mountain and meet us there, and it's cool to see how each of us are preparing for it. 

Well. I love you guys, and I can't wait until we get to talk again. 

You Stole my Heart That Day...

So it's gotten to the point that I had to enter my blogspot password three times before I could get it right. It's been a while, it has. But since I feel like I begin almost every blog post with that dreary message, I'd like to address it as almost a ritual and not a surprise. I'm sorry. To anyone who has cared or still does care about the posts I've put up here, I sincerely apologize. I will say; however, that I'm willing to make some sort of return to the blog world. I miss you guys a lot, and I miss sharing my experiences with you all and hearing about your lives as well.

In the meantime, I'd like to share a bit about what's new. THE SCHOOL YEAR IS OVER. Almost. It's strange to think that I'm a senior now. Whoa. But. I have learned a ton this year about myself. I could make a list. In fact, I will. Here it goes.

I learned:

- I am not afraid of roller coasters. I'm not. 

- I love children. I didn't know if I liked dealing with little kids or not until I sang and helped out at a church camp, and I realized that I adore them...ADORE them.

- I am not a quitter. I have been in several situations this year where the temptation to quit was through the roof, and I kept at it. That's one of the things I can say I'm proud of.

- I still really do love all kinds of people. I relate to them in different ways, and I thought I lost that. I haven't.

- People see potential in me that I didn't even realize they did. 

- I have favor with God. I didn't even know I had this favor until this year. But that is for a different blog post. 

- God doesn't want to change my personality, He created it! (Again, another post :)) 

- I can learn to get past caring what people think, and I am starting to.

- You MUST tend to a relationship for it to work. 

-  I have the most amazing friends. 

- How to dance the merengue

- I love blowing bubbles.

-Discipline is key 

Finally, I learned that life is a story that'll almost write itself... but mostly because it's already been written.

I've worried a lot this year, only to find that I didn't ever have to, and the meaning of the words of 2 Timothy 1:12 coming to life, "...he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day."

What to Do With Daylight

I keep trying to fit my life into some sort of movie I've seen. Ya know? Make a little description and explain to myself how everything in the storyline is bound to work out. I piece together parts of my past and try to formulate a perfect match for what I have yet to see...

Maybe it's a junior-in-high-school kinda thing, where everyone keeps talking about the future and what your plans are, and I'm still over here walking out all my passions and desires with my Creator and discovering all the things I love to do. For example: worship. Worship is something I know will never leave me. There's an absolute Psalm 139:13 feeling in my spirit when I think about music and God destining what I'd do- He knit me together in my mother's womb.

However, as for the bigger picture, I just know I need to love. If I wander this planet for the 80 some years of life expectancy the average American female has, accomplish all my said-goals, and don't learn to love the people around me and the God that has created me, I know it would have all been a waste. The bible absolutely confirms this in what many Christians know as the "love chapter" of 1 Corinthians 13


"¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."


Apart from that- worshipping and loving God and learning to love people- I can safely say I have no idea what I want to do in my life anymore. Not that this is a negative thing (I feel like Paul in that for me to live is Christ), but a surprising one. Many were the days where I had toil away and make plans, saying 'I wanna do this' or 'I wanna do that,' and I here I am, opinions formed, ideas shaped, and seventeen years later, undecided.

Whether it be negative or not, I'm not going to deny the fact that my uncertainty makes me want to be afraid for my future. I'm not afraid, but there's a little bit of the logical side of me saying, "EMNET. GET IT TOGETHER." You know?

It's strange because I don't even know how to spend my days anymore. I'm always busy. And that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. However, when I'm busy, I feel like I just need to take a breath and I can't live that way anymore...but when I have nothing planned (rare), I think I just might lose my mind.

I kinda forgot the point I was getting at here...
All I know is that God's brilliant. I love looking at stars because stars remind me of the universe, and the universe reminds me of God. When you think about it, who creates a star from the nothingness that was in Genesis. I could create a star maybe if someone gave me the idea of it or something similar to it, but from absolutely nothing? God is brilliant. His creativity outshines any mere human thought, and His ways are beyond us all. If I know anything in life, it's that God is amazing, and I'm learning about who He is in His true character- that is, love- and how to respond to this love. I would say I'm learning it over again, but I'm not sure I ever fully grasped it in the first place. So maybe I should say that God is just building on the foundation He laid out seventeen years ago and started planning before I even came to be.

Yes, I'm uncertain, but God absolutely writes the best stories, whether they be of love, victory, healing (all of which I'm discovering He is working in my current season), and He cares deeply about me. . . So I give my life to him.

I don't have much time to write today, seeing as I want to pray before I go to bed on this somewhat (actually, very) stressful yet blessed Wednesday evening. However, I didn't want to go to bed without putting this one question out...


How insane would it be if we all had a true revelation that the GOD of everything is on our side. Imagine how many more things we'd try and how many less things we'd fear.

Just think about that.
I know that I would be a lot less stressed about a lot of things if I wholeheartedly believed that God was for me.

Well, anyway. I pray that, tonight, as we all continue on our spiritual walks and missions, we would remember the words of Isaiah 41:10


"So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My Whole Life is Yours, I Give it All, Surrender to Your Name.

     Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm supposed to write, I just know I need to write...
And this is one of those times. I hate writing without a point. You know? It's just like walking around outside with nowhere to go...but you just kind of start walking. And sometimes that's okay because you need the fresh air. I guess that's what I'm feeling. 


     These days, I feel like I have to push to get anything I want. I mean, anything at all. It's not as though I can remember a time in my life where I've recieved everything I've wanted with incredible ease, but I can't seem to have anything I want nowadays without a struggle. I mean, in the past, I used to work moderately hard for some things and exceptionally hard for a few, far-gone things and then sometimes I'd get lucky and things would be handed to me, just like any normal person. 


But, now... Not so much. 


Maybe this is me whining, and maybe this is me just noticing what's going on in my life, but I just feel like now, if I want it, I have to put up a good fight to get it. 


And life's just become hard like that. 


I don't know how to describe it... I'm completely fine. Everything (praise God) is good. School's alright, church is fine, friends are good, family's doing well...Yet. Everything is so dang hard at the same time. 
I don't know...


This blog post is filled with as many 'I don't know's' as my life is at the moment. 


I don't remember if I blogged about this or just talked to a lot of you guys about this, but, last year, I asked God to make me hard worker. It just seems like now I don't even have the option not to be.


It makes me laugh because I've talked a lot in my blog posts about how God tells me anything easy isn't going to be worth it... so maybe everything that's going on in my life right now is just set up to be so worth it in the future that I have to work hard for it. Maybe none of it is easy because all of it is worth it. When I say worth it, I mean the kind of worth it like when you stay up an entire night doing an assignment only to realize you would have never gotten the grade you did had you not put in all that extra effort.  


And maybe that's just where my life's at. Again, I don't know. This is just me kind of giving my mind a breath of fresh air and a chance to "walk around outside" in a sense that I need to organize my thoughts, walking around nowhere. Or maybe that's just it. 



I've noticed that carries over to my spirtitual life too. I could just sit here and be fine with God like I am now, just like everything's just fine...Or I can work. I can press in more, push harder and look harder to discover more of a beautiful God that I've barely touched the surface of. 


Because my God, even more so than my calling and my future, is just that big. 


I have to work now because when you get comfortable in your spiritual life is when you're probably not growing the most. In the words of Brooke Fraser, "the uncomfortable circumstances of life give us opportunities to grow & become better people..." And I want to be better.  


I'm guess I'm just exhausted. My friend, Brook, texted me earlier today and said, "I feel like you need a vacation...And you're 17 -___-"


It made me laugh, but it also made me realize that he's right. I really don't want to try anymore. Maybe this is just the human side of me or maybe the lazy side of me (again, I don't know), but I feel like I'm not the person everyone sees as so put together and knows what she's doing at all anymore... and I don't even want to try anymore. 


Giving up sounds insanely pleasant right now. And I don't mean just taking a vacation like Brook said, I mean just not hoping for the same things anymore. Like settling for average or whatever it is that I was working so hard not to be. 


I'm tired like the fishermen were in Luke 5, where, after a long time of fishing with no catch, they started washing their nets only to find Jesus commanding them to


    "push out into deep water, and lower your nets for a catch." - Luke 5:4


I'm that kind of tired. I feel like I'm drowing with what I have to do, and right when I want to get out of the water, clean my net, and go home, Jesus wants to tell me to "push out into deep water."


But look at the result in verse 6. 


 The fishermen put their nets into the water. Their nets were filled with so many fish that they began to break

Go deeper. That's it. You're tired, you've been up all night... But there's a catch. You're not working to no end, you just have to press in a bit more. I'm doing this because I love you. I want to teach you, and I want you to find more of me.

 And maybe that's what God's telling me.

I feel like I'm playing to lose, but I'm grateful I even have the chance to wake up and work hard another day and for God's word that reminds me that I am more than a conqueror.

The only reason I won't quit? Because, I, like Brooke Fraser and William Booth, have given God all there is of Emnet, and I refuse to take it back.

I might be telling God I'm tired like the disciples did in verse 5 of that chapter, but I know His response isn't a response to let me quit. It's one of love that knows there's something bigger on the deep end. I just gotta go there in obedience. And I'm grateful I even get the chance to, because I don't deserve the grace of a future and calling as beautiful as God promises mine to be in Jeremiah 29:11.

So, friends, I'll leave you with this next quote in relation to your calling and just not giving up. I still miss you guys, and thanks if you're still reading these.


"Here ends another day, during which I have had eyes, ears, hands and the great world around me. Tomorrow begins another day. Why am I allowed two?” 
― G.K. Chesterton

The Times Tootsie Pops and Starburst are Absolutely Called For

 Remember what I blogged last night about being in a winter-ish seaosn and how that can sometimes bring unexpected snow days? Guess what today brought....

Ohh, yeahh.

But it's not like I knew about it or anything when I was writing, I was in my new room... in my basement... so I couldn't even see what it looked like outside, my analogy just kinda came to life.

So that leads me to blog again and to remember God's grace. Ahh.

I feel like there's no need to worry about anything anymore. Like, anything.
When I let go and let God I get... well, snow days.

It's been hard feeling like the whole world is against me, or like someone is out to ruin all my plans (which someone is- the devil), but it's really nice to just truly understand what God means when He says,


"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:11 MSG.


You know how in Extreme Makeover: Home Edition it looks crazy when they knock the entire house down and then it looks amazing what they put up in its place? That's what I'm seeing God wants to do with our lives when we hand them to Him. And when we start screaming, "What do you think you're doing??" when we see He's completely tearing our houses down, He gives us Jeremiah 29:11 as a response- "I know what I'm doing. And, I'm God, so it's gonna be beautiful..."

These days I feel I'm set up to fail, like I'm just digging myself out of a hole or fighting a losing battle that I just go through the motions to fight, but God reminds me in Joshua 1:5 that it's just the opposite.

I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses... It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you.

For me that verse just says, "you're gonna win. All this stuff you're up against? It's gonna be all yours soon." 


So I'm going to obey Matthew 6:25 and just chill out. Let go and let God.

Ohhh. And sometimes just take all the candy that the snow day calls for - for the body and the soul (before you start your lovely homework). Have a beautiful, worry-free day, ya'll.

=)

The Lights Around Here Change Fast, Don't They?

          I think it's suffice to say that I haven't posted since August, and that was the last time I feel I've really had to gather all my thoughts and just somewhat organize everything that's been going on in my life. It's not like I'm really doing big things, I'm just moving forward from where I've been.

           Someone said it. "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

           It's November, and God's teaching me that we're not meant to stay in August forever- to stay in what's been comfortable and what we've come to like. I'm one of those people that absolutely loves summer. I mean, I daydream of the summertime, and I celebrate its start every year. So I'm just going to use that as my example of the harvest season or whatever we Christians describe our spiritually high times as. My August is evidently over- there's snow on its way tomorrow morning, and I'm writing from my new bedroom, a completely different setting/atmosphere than what I'm used to writing in. The point is, though, that maybe winter isn't all bad.
          Since this past summer where God changed my life completely, I've somehow been thrown forward onto this path where I'm not sure where I'm going, I just can't stay where I've been... And that sometimes means leaving people behind.
           If I've talked to you lately about my struggles or the biggest things in life, you may have heard me use the terms 'lonely' or 'alone,' and it's because I've found myself wrestling with them on an almost daily basis for the past couple of months. I've been trying to describe this for a while, and I've been saying things like, "I may be lonely, but I'm never alone... I just feel alone." But I've come to find that maybe I actually am alone.
         When I say I feel alone, there has never been a day in my short, seventeen years of existence where I've truly believed that there was no one with me in an 'empty' room. That is, I have always known in the back of my mind the presence of the Almighty God would never escape me, and I'm a firm believer in the words of Matthew 28:20. . . But I am alone in the sense that no one around me really is seeking out the same things I am. No one cares about what I care about, and no one really feels what I feel when I step into a crowded hallway at school.
         I think it's all because maybe I'm truly becoming a misfit. I'm uncomfortable with a lot of my surroundings now, and I couldn't put my finger on it until I thought about why I was feelings so alone... because I am.

         But, you know what I've discovered? I've discovered that it's not original to wear an original costume on Halloween... You're still dressing up- like everyone else is on that day. That example of last night's holiday I think God brought to my mind to challenge me- to challenge me to really understand what it means to step out and seek what God wants for me in life, and sometimes that can mean feeling and actually being alone because, once you choose to pursue Jesus, you become radical... You step out of what the world is used to and knows, and you step into the unique person God has set you apart to become. Yeah, set you apart to become... not set you with everyone else to become.
       And then I guess you become a misfit, where the things around you just don't satisfy you, and you find that others just don't understand...
       
       And, through all this, I am thankful.  I am thankful because I know that God sees me. He sees that I want to want what He wants for me, and He knows that everyone is looking for someone to follow, so He wants to make me the type of person that will lead them to Him if they choose to follow me.
       That "follow me as I follow Christ" thing that Paul talked about? Yeah, it really is to be walked out.   I'm not gonna say this hasn't been messy, but I seriously see how strong God can be in my weakness. I'm becoming kinda OK with being out of my element at the moment because winter can mean unexpected snow days at school, and, in the words of Francis Chan,
 
       "If life were stable, I'd never need God's help. Since it's not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God."


       Not only this, but in my most dire moments I guess you could call them, God has sent me verses like Joshua 1:5 to remind me that He's with me all the and way, and we are more than conquerors in Christ. That, yeah, we're alone because we're misfits, and we're misfits because we're alone, but God whispers, "I will never leave you nor forsake you, missy. Ever." I added that 'ever' in... Just as a reminder. For me.

       And, thanks to Steve Jobs and Pastor Chris Durso for relating it back to Christianity in his messages, we have this quote that shows us the road we're traveling is the narrow but rewarding. So I'll leave you with this:


“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo.  You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."