I keep trying to fit my life into some sort of movie I've seen. Ya know? Make a little description and explain to myself how everything in the storyline is bound to work out. I piece together parts of my past and try to formulate a perfect match for what I have yet to see...
Maybe it's a junior-in-high-school kinda thing, where everyone keeps talking about the future and what your plans are, and I'm still over here walking out all my passions and desires with my Creator and discovering all the things I love to do. For example: worship. Worship is something I know will never leave me. There's an absolute Psalm 139:13 feeling in my spirit when I think about music and God destining what I'd do- He knit me together in my mother's womb.
However, as for the bigger picture, I just know I need to love. If I wander this planet for the 80 some years of life expectancy the average American female has, accomplish all my said-goals, and don't learn to love the people around me and the God that has created me, I know it would have all been a waste. The bible absolutely confirms this in what many Christians know as the "love chapter" of 1 Corinthians 13
"1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."
Apart from that- worshipping and loving God and learning to love people- I can safely say I have no idea what I want to do in my life anymore. Not that this is a negative thing (I feel like Paul in that for me to live is Christ), but a surprising one. Many were the days where I had toil away and make plans, saying 'I wanna do this' or 'I wanna do that,' and I here I am, opinions formed, ideas shaped, and seventeen years later, undecided.
Whether it be negative or not, I'm not going to deny the fact that my uncertainty makes me want to be afraid for my future. I'm not afraid, but there's a little bit of the logical side of me saying, "EMNET. GET IT TOGETHER." You know?
It's strange because I don't even know how to spend my days anymore. I'm always busy. And that's not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. However, when I'm busy, I feel like I just need to take a breath and I can't live that way anymore...but when I have nothing planned (rare), I think I just might lose my mind.
I kinda forgot the point I was getting at here...
All I know is that God's brilliant. I love looking at stars because stars remind me of the universe, and the universe reminds me of God. When you think about it, who creates a star from the nothingness that was in Genesis. I could create a star maybe if someone gave me the idea of it or something similar to it, but from absolutely nothing? God is brilliant. His creativity outshines any mere human thought, and His ways are beyond us all. If I know anything in life, it's that God is amazing, and I'm learning about who He is in His true character- that is, love- and how to respond to this love. I would say I'm learning it over again, but I'm not sure I ever fully grasped it in the first place. So maybe I should say that God is just building on the foundation He laid out seventeen years ago and started planning before I even came to be.
Yes, I'm uncertain, but God absolutely writes the best stories, whether they be of love, victory, healing (all of which I'm discovering He is working in my current season), and He cares deeply about me. . . So I give my life to him.
