Hello, people. How have you all been doing? I've missed reading all of your blogs and writing blogs and getting all bloggerish. As you may (or probably may not) have noticed, I haven't written one of my own blogs in a while. It's become hard for me, it really has, to write a new blog post, and trust me, I've definitely tried. If you had access to my account at this moment and clicked on the little 'edit posts' button, you'd see all the failed attempts at blogging I've had, and the reason for this is because I'm having trouble being transparent. Not that I was incredibly transparent before, but I was at least honest with this thing. I've noticed that I'm starting to build walls, and this isn't a very good thing. I'm careful what I say and who I say it to, and I don't necessarily trust that I won't be judged. This is part of the reason I haven't written anything in so long. This is how the process normally goes: I will have something on my heart I want to blog about, and then I'll sit there and think things like "Really? Does anyone want to read this?" or "You talk about this too much. No one cares." So, until God & I figure this fear of judgement thing out (all freaking over again), I'm just going to have to find different ways of filling up this blogspot page.
I do have something I found kind of interesting in light of what I've most recently blogged about (on Easter, I think), and I thought you might find it to be kind of funny to see how God's been working in my life. I wrote this a little over a year ago, probably before I met most of you, and certainly during a hard time in my life (the absolute hardest). I wrote it in a journal I have almost never touched since, and I never meant for anyone to read it. But, in everything, Christ. So, if my finding helps or encourages you in any way, I will dare to be at least this vulnerable and transparent before you. If not...oh, well.
Here it goes, pretty much word for word:
3/1/10:
"With God, He doesn't give me what I expect because when I put expectations on something, and they are met, it doesn't go above and beyond. I'm finding that God has a way of never giving me what I expect. Now, of course, His promises always stand, but when I expect things of God, He will flip everything around. And, sometimes, I just don't know what He's doing. Now that I think about it, maybe He's just saying, "Hey, you wanna to get blessed, but I wanna bless you abundantly."
And maybe that's where pain comes in. Maybe where I plan my next step is not as far as He wants to take me. I plan my sorrows only as limited as my mind is, but He plans my restoration and life so big and beautifully that it's gonna take a lot of breaking to get there...No eye has seen... no ear has heard. And I feel like I'm his work. So, so what? It means that the more it hurts, the more He's chipping away. And the more confused I am, the more HE is working out His wise plan. Beyond what I can imagine.
And that's what I love about God.
I never get what I want, and it's beautiful. Because, maybe if I'm not getting what I want, maybe HE is getting what HE wants. And since I pray His will be done in my life, I am essentially getting what I want... My soul's deepest desire.
I love God because He can see past today. He knows why sometimes I feel silence, and a faint whisper isn't even near. He knows why, sometimes, I lose my mind, and why I can't stand NOT to be annoyed by His voice of what is right. He deals with my flesh and waits for me patiently. He keeps HIS laws and promises, but He breaks Himself for me.
He holds tomorrow, and He keeps me a part of it. I love my God because He is all these things. And, even though I can't "feel" Him at the moment, I hear Him loud and clear. Or maybe it's just a whisper. But He's here. He. Is. Here...
And I'm off my roller coaster...
Sorta."
All I have left to write is that a.) I wish some of my blog posts were shorter b.) I can totally say I've overcome that time and seen the fruit of that season 10x over, and c.) It was a bit choppy at times, and kind of hard for even me to read, but I honestly didn't intend for anyone to ever read that, so you can bet I didn't plan on posting this page of my journal on the World Wide Web for all to see. But I think that sometimes that's what it takes, that kind of transparency. I pray I get it back.
