This is Why we Work Hard and Continue to Struggle

I find that some of my best blog posts come out of being broken.

I've been trying to write a blog post for a while, I've even included the lyrics to "Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong in some of my attempts, but it's just not cranking out. So, here is my late-night attempt at encapsulating all my feelings and sharing them with you. To start, I'm pretty darn scared right now. And I know I shouldn't be, but a lot of change is coming my way. It's like, as my seasons change, God gives me more to handle. He gives me more responsibility...so I suppose He trusts me with more.

I'm not so much scared of failing, I'm more scared of how much harder I'm going to have to work to accomplish what's been given to me. It's more.

I see myself a little like Esther. Not that I'm saving a nation or anything, but it's just like, maybe all this stuff is happening now for a reason... for such a time as this... For this season in my life. For this point in whoever I might encounter's life. Maybe God's preparing me to be my own answer to my own, "use me" prayer.

I can hear God tell me about how He wants me to approach what's to come in my life... with Him in mind. He's telling me to remind myself of the 'why' of things. I know the absolutely incredible, Leah, somewhat touched on this in her blog (I can never stop talking about how amazing Leah's blog is... go follow it), and I'm finding I'm learning something really similar, if not the same as her. I'm learning more and more that I have to re-evaluate the reason I am doing things.

I was having one of those off days on Wednesday, one where everything was making me really upset and blah...blah...blah. To add to that, I was running late to my guitar lesson. And. It's kind of pointless to be really late to a music lesson because, for the most part, they don't last that long. At least, the ones I take don't. So when you show up 15 minutes late to a 30-minute lesson, it's just kinda dumb. I was thinking about how annoyed I was and how annoying it was that I was even late and how mad I was at everything in life anyway and how stressed out I was and all my negativity, when the song "You Deserve" came on.

Let me just tell you, I was about to start bawling my eyes out at that stoplight. I was completely convicted by the words of the bridge, where it's like, "I can't imagine a life without You, without You, cuz it's all for You, God!" And they're all just yelling it to God at that one part of the song.

And God reminded me right there, before I even got to the music school. I just felt God go, "What are you even doing music for? What are you doing any of life for?" And I remembered why. I'm not trying to go learn music just so I can go learn music... cuz it's all for Him.

I love it, but it's not the point. I love my life, but even that's not the point. I'm not taking a thirty-five minute drive to a Christian music school just to take a thirty-five minute drive to a Christian music school. I live for God, and everything I do has to be in an effort to lift Him up. He is the point. Whether I'm falling down or walking upright, He's the reason I get up or keep walking. I learn music so I can play, but for His glory and His kingdom... To fulfill a calling I know He has placed on me, not one I've given myself.

And that's what my mentality has to be towards everything.

Why do I suck it up when people mistreat me for no reason? God. Why do I go to school? God. Why do I bother praying or staying up late when I'm exhausted to read my Bible? God. Why do I even try to build relationships with the people around me? To spread the love of God.

There's no other point but Jesus.

...this line scripture caught my eye today.

1 Timothy 4:10

"...This is why we work hard and continue to struggle, for our hope is in the living God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers."


So that's why I move. That's why I breathe...
That's why I'm writing right now, and that's why I got out of bed this morning...

God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers.


p.s. . . speaking of Hillsong, their CD comes out in four days...on my wonderful friend, Sydney's birthday! Go, buy it...and follow her blog!


...and, speaking of change, my bff, Teri, who has a lovely fashion blog, took the picture I now have as a new background on here...you should follow her blog! She knows her stuff and loves Jesus a ton...


They're both amazing people!

Lord of Lords

         Hello, people. How have you all been doing? I've missed reading all of your blogs and writing blogs and getting all bloggerish. As you may (or probably may not) have noticed, I haven't written one of my own blogs in a while. It's become hard for me, it really has, to write a new blog post, and trust me, I've definitely tried. If you had access to my account at this moment and clicked on the little 'edit posts' button, you'd see all the failed attempts at blogging I've had, and the reason for this is because I'm having trouble being transparent. Not that I was incredibly transparent before, but I was at least honest with this thing. I've noticed that I'm starting to build walls, and this isn't a very good thing. I'm careful what I say and who I say it to, and I don't necessarily trust that I won't be judged. This is part of the reason I haven't written anything in so long. This is how the process normally goes: I will have something on my heart I want to blog about, and then I'll sit there and think things like "Really? Does anyone want to read this?" or "You talk about this too much. No one cares." So, until God & I figure this fear of judgement thing out (all freaking over again), I'm just going to have to find different ways of filling up this blogspot page.
       I do have something I found kind of interesting in light of what I've most recently blogged about (on Easter, I think), and I thought you might find it to be kind of funny to see how God's been working in my life. I wrote this a little over a year ago, probably before I met most of you, and certainly during a hard time in my life (the absolute hardest). I wrote it in a journal I have almost never touched since, and I  never meant for anyone to read it. But, in everything, Christ. So, if my finding helps or encourages you in any way, I will dare to be at least this vulnerable and transparent before you. If not...oh, well.
       Here it goes, pretty much word for word:


3/1/10:
       "With God, He doesn't give me what I expect because when I put expectations on something, and they are met, it doesn't go above and beyond. I'm finding that God has a way of never giving me what I expect. Now, of course, His promises always stand, but when I expect things of God, He will flip everything around. And, sometimes, I just don't know what He's doing. Now that I think about it, maybe He's just saying, "Hey, you wanna to get blessed, but I wanna bless you abundantly."
        And maybe that's where pain comes in. Maybe where I plan my next step is not as far as He wants to take me. I plan my sorrows only as limited as my mind is, but He plans my restoration and life so big and beautifully that it's gonna take a lot of breaking to get there...No eye has seen... no ear has heard. And I feel like I'm his work. So, so what? It means that the more it hurts, the more He's chipping away. And the more confused I am, the more HE is working out His wise plan. Beyond what I can imagine.
      And that's what I love about God.
      I never get what I want, and it's beautiful. Because, maybe if I'm not getting what I want, maybe HE is getting what HE wants. And since I pray His will be done in my life, I am essentially getting what I want... My soul's deepest desire.
      I love God because He can see past today. He knows why sometimes I feel silence, and a faint whisper isn't even near. He knows why, sometimes, I lose my mind, and why I can't stand NOT to be annoyed by His voice of what is right. He deals with my flesh and waits for me patiently. He keeps HIS laws and promises, but He breaks Himself for me.
      He holds tomorrow, and He keeps me a part of it. I love my God because He is all these things. And, even though I can't "feel" Him at the moment, I hear Him loud and clear. Or maybe it's just a whisper.   But He's here. He. Is. Here...
And I'm off my roller coaster...
Sorta."
      All I have left to write is that a.) I wish some of my blog posts were shorter b.) I can totally say I've overcome that time and seen the fruit of that season 10x over, and c.) It was a bit choppy at times, and kind of hard for even me to read, but I honestly didn't intend for anyone to ever read that, so you can bet I didn't plan on posting this page of my journal on the World Wide Web for all to see. But I think that sometimes that's what it takes, that kind of transparency. I pray I get it back.