Looking for yourself out there?

I don't know how much any of you wants to read this. I didn't intend for this to become a blog post, and I know I can get really long in my blog posts, but EVERYTHING that had been on my mind lately had been spilled out in this, so it's extra-specially long. Here it goes, my completely spontaneous, random, and somewhat heartfelt post. I wrote it at one in the morning after waking up randomly so, Uhh, yeah. 

 I think things in my life are about to change. I don't know why, all I know is I keep having flashbacks of scenes from what I think might soon be "life as I once knew it." 

I'm remembering driving passed a carnival on a Sunday night with my parents and the sunset in the background and them deciding to stop by, and old schoolmates. I'm remembering ordering pizza on our front porch with my mother, going to graduation parties, my trip to Ethiopia, and the way my family and I would watch "The Cosby Show" and "Full House" together. I remember the day my brother was born, and all the fun and crazy times I've had with my cousins. I go through my best friend's birthday parties and play scenes of prayer conferences my parents have dragged me to in my head. I think of school, recess in elementary school, coming inside after being in the hot sun, and having "fun Fridays" where we'd have pizza and orange sorbet ice cream in fifth grade. I also remembered my first day of middle school, how the sun shone above the hallway windows,  what I wore, who I met, and gossiping with my friends along the way. I learned a lot about life, but I learned a lot academically too, and I think I was inspired by people without even knowing it. I recall running away from kids chasing me in capture the flag as we played in the streets right before the sunset, and making up dance moves to a Cheetah Girl's song in my neighbor's garage. I think of all my passed summers, sunsets, and trips. I remember going to California, and I think of my first day of high school. I remember when I wanted to be a psychiatrist, just like my uncle, and when I would watch Arthur in my old bedroom with the sun setting in the background because it was a Sunday night and my sister was too young for me to play with that late and there was nothing to do. I remember my few fights with my best friend, and I remember watching Caillou on my big screen t.v when we were seven. I remember being the first ones up with my little sister in our new house (new 8 years ago, of course), and the sun rising behind us, and I remember the first time I listened to Brook Fraser. I remember the Hillsong United concert I went to, and way before that hearing "Desert Song" and crying because of how much that applied to my life, and I remember Brooke Fraser singing it then, too. I remember my dad buying my sister and I scooters for Valentine's day (so random, haha). I remember joining and being in my elementary school worship team, and all the worship teams to follow, and I remember the standing outside reading a book to get a head start on my homework while I waited for my mom to come pick me up from school (usually 5-10 minutes late). I remember watching Disney Channel with my sister, and when I started and, soon after, quit piano lessons. I remember church conferences I would go to, and I remember eating ice cream on the fourth of July. I remember the specific brands of food I'd buy at Cotsco with my parents, and my big fight I got with them on the way home one time. I remember many people eating lunch or dinner with us or staying the night at our house because they were missionaries just passing through, and I rememeber when little girls from Uganda stayed at our house for a few days with their choir. I remember all the stories these people would tell, and I remember letting other people stay in our house because they needed someone to help them while they got on their own two feet. Even in my first memories  to just recently, people my parents once knew or met who needed help were always more than welcome to stay at our house. I remember thinking that was normal, and that everyone did it, I also remember being surrounded by a community of people who did do it, maybe not as often as my family, but they did. I remember all the stupid arguments I'd get into with people, and all the times I regretted saying something I shouldn't have. I remember my first time straightening my hair by myself, and going to Arizona for my cousin's wedding-- the first CLOSE family member I've witnessed getting married. I also remember flying to Canada with my cousin and meeting our uncle and his family whom we hadn't seen in eight or nine years before that. Well, me at least. I remember getting my ipod nano, how upset i was when my brother broke my ipod touch, and getting my iphone 4 for my birthday when i turned 16 and feeling the need to update the entire world about it via facebook. I remember worshipping in the OLD, OLD gym of my uncle's church and singing "I walk by faith, each step, by faith," and doing dances during VBS to a song that goes "This is a good, good life, God loves me, this I know," and I remember  chuckling on stage during my fourth grade play practice. I remember meeting people I was so attracted to because of their bold opinions, and wishing I could decide what I believed like that, and soon after realizing I wasnt that opinionated.

I could go on and on, and I kind of already have, but my life has just been playing like a movie or video montage in my head, and I don't know what to do with all theses memories or why I have them here. Yeah, certain instances remind you of stuff from your childhood, but this has been all I can even THINK about. 
 
Anyway, I can't think of why 
else all my life would be running through my head CONSTANTLY if something new wasn't about to happen, or if change wasn't about to be introduced to my life. Recently, I've had songs playing in my head saying "these things will change" or "things are gonna change." I know they mean the same thing, but they've come out of different songs, and in several ways. I mean, I could be dead wrong. I could just simply be bored and have all these thoughts come to my mind (although that's not what I usually think about), and I could just be coming to a random and totally off point conclusion about all this, or maybe God just wants me to think of all the things that have shaped me.

 I'm thinking about my life and all it's been thus far, and I realize that so much of it has grown to make me think the way I do about a lot of things, and made me like the things I like now, and desire the things I desire now. 

I see God all over it, and it's not to say I was chasing God that entire time, because I think that God, lately especially, says to me "I've wanted you more than you want me." And it just makes so much sense that He does that. Because, at this point, I've been so frustrated with where I've wanted to be and what I've wanted in life that I felt like I was pursuing God more than He cared to show up for me. And I'm realizing that I'm dead wrong. I think I've given up a lot because I've thought 'why bother when I'm the only one that cares,' because a lot of things for me have been taking longer than I've wanted, like  a lot of the dreams I want to start pursuing. 

 Something I've noticed in my life is that, through all the scenes (except a few), I can mostly remember the sun being a part of them. Whether it be sunset, sunrise, or simply standing in the middle of the day, the sun is always silently present in my memories. I remember when I watched Arthur without my sister, it was significant because it was a sunny day and I could have been outside playing with someone. 

I've been overwhelmed with my whole life story, and I think it's because God's been telling me this: that, just like the sun, He's been there watching my entire life. Not only that, but He's fostered it, just like the sun does to life on Earth. He's protected me, taught me, guided me, and revealed Himself to me that entire time, making me the believer I am today.

For some, their lives have affected their personalities but, for me, my life has affected my Christianity. I can't remember not being conscious of God during my life. He's always been knowledge for me, always there in the back of my mind and so... So... Present. 

I accepted Christ when I was VERY little, and probably even before that because this is just the farthest I can remember. I know my parents read me bible stories from before I was four, and I even remember the setting of some story time. I know that I didn't ever doubt God existed before accepting Christ in my life, only after I said "yes, come in," did I experience doubt that came from what the world threw at me. I even remember the image I had in my mind when I thought about what it looked like to have Jesus "knocking on my heart," and then wanting to bust the door open and tell Him to come in and sit down with 

 Nobody asked me to write out my life story and, frankly, I've never believed anyone's cared. I still don't completely, but God tells me "I give you your worth."  I don't know why I'm even up right now, seeing as I've been asleep for 6 hours and just woke up at 1 am to a dark house and no alarm clock, I just kinda woke up. It's three in the morning now, and, I have no one to talk to but God, and I think that He wanted me to write this all out. I started praying and the scenes and the feeling wouldn't stop, so I started telling Him about them and decided to keep track on the notes app on my iPhone. I even went back an entire year or more in facebook posts a few days ago and just read through what I was doing at this time in 2009. I also went through my 100 notes I've left on my iPhone since September of this year, and thought about the hundreds I had written in my iPod touch all last year before it broke and I lost it. 

Anyway, I see God's hand so much over my life, that I feel convicted for even thinking I cared more or had to wait on God when, in reality, He's been waiting on ME. He's planned out my whole life and was waiting for me to even realize my goals before I got to this point of being annoyed at the fact that they are taking so long to reach. I've been so angry that it's taking so long for everything to just be fixed, when God's been waiting for His plan to carry out in my life for SIXTEEN YEARS. Wait, scratch that. He's been waiting for way before that, He tells me He knew me before He formed me in my mother's womb. That's a long time, and I'm upset at the way things are for me; I've had to wait months. Please. 

It's almost not fair. It's not fair to God that He waits patiently for however long and I get angry with Him for staying somewhat silent on my matter for months. I remember that two years ago I had a rough time, and I'd cry a lot to God about something I didn't understand why had to happen to me and seriously no one else. One day, I came home from school after something stupid. My grade in math slipped to a B after getting a bad grade on a test because I didnt have enough time to finish it; I spent too much time on one problem. My mom walked into my room asking what was wrong, and I just started bawling, "it's not fair! It's not fair, it's never fair for me!" And, I'll tell you this, my mom was pretty confused. I was talking about EVERYTHING. My entire year was described in that one moment of honesty: it's. not. fair. Sure, some of the things that were happening to me instead of others truly weren't fair in the sense of equality, but I look back and God used EVERYTHING in that year to bring me to where I am now, and none of it was fair. I think more and more now, whenever I say something's "not fair" to God (which I've been doing a lot lately), it's normally something He's using to shape and mold me: something He really wants me to learn from. That night, I was sitting next to my mom by the fireplace, and she told me, "you know why life's not fair? Because it can't be. If life were fair, we wouldn't have grace, that's why it's good that sometimes we don't get what we deserve." And I knew she knew I was referring to more than just that math test. 

I think of all the ways my life isn't fair, and I'm glad now. I'm glad because I am called to be holy as He is holy, and I'm realizing that nothing with Jesus was fair.

Jesus had to wait THIRTY- THREE YEARS to reach His destiny. He knew what was coming, and He couldn't just get it over with. He stayed, taught, and healed while He waited on Earth and traded His comfy throne for our crusty planet. That wasn't fair. It's not fair that the King's son would die for all the flaws of His subjects- it doesn't even make sense! It kind of gives a reason to my "why?" questioning.   

I was in my athletic training class the other day and my teacher was talking about care and prevention of wounds, half-upset at God for the entire "not fair" deal when, out of nowhere, I felt God ask, "who cared for my wounds? Who took care of me?" I'm sure He was talking about Jesus on the cross. All of us sinners get our wounds taken care of when He didn't, He never did, and His were far worse- they pierced THROUGH His skin. That's not fair. Unfair events in the lives of believers lead to glory, just like they did in Jesus' life. 

No wonder I call this man my hero. He took it all for me.

Btw, check out the song "Invasion (Hero)" by Trip Lee, it's my absolute favorite (on a different level than Brooke Fraser's, of course).

Anyway, my entire life story proves that I'm a change in the making, and He's walking me to something great, even though I don't really like this process of walking through it.

I'm learning to drive but I'm in the permit stage, if you will. Notice all the driving references I've been making? I'm getting my license soon, that's why. 

God's not through with me yet.

"This is redemption's story, 
 with every step that I'm taking,
I'm closer to who I'm meant to be.
This is me under construction. This is my pride being broke. Everyday I'm closer to who I'm meant to be.
I'm a change in the making"

From the dawn of history, You make right and You redeem.

There's a lot that can be said when describing God. He's holy, all-powerful, all-knowing, loving, eternal, caring, and the list goes on. I heard it once said that God is like your best friend, but take all the  qualities found in each of your friends and magnify it by a bunch, and that's God. Except, only the good qualities. Like, you know that one friend that always has a tendency to overlook it when people do harm to them? Or your friend that is ALWAYS there when you need someone to talk to? Or, I like this one, what about that person that makes you laugh when you have absolutely no intention of doing so? That's God, but more than ten times more.
We don't always understand it, nor do we have to, because it doesn't change who God is. C.S Lewis said that "a man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word, 'darkness' on the walls of his cell." I'm finding this to be so true. Take J-Lo, for instance (I think that's how you write her nickname). She's rich, right? I mean, she must have a big house and some odd number of cars or something like that. And, glory, by definition, can be "a state of prosperity." This is only one definition though. If you don't think she's a good singer or a talented actress or a good Judge on American Idol, does this make her any less rich? NO. It just means that you don't like her, but you can't take her "glory" away by doing so. You just can't.
It's the same way with God, only we can't even begin to understand His description, so we can't imagine HIS glory, or even what people worship Him for.I think that's something God's reassuring me of, the fact that I can't change Him; He is who He is, and He just is. He's just God because He's God, and He's just good because He's good. I don't have to understand it, that's just the way it is. It's like, you have that one friend that you can never reason with them about why they do certain things, but they do it just because they're them. You know? Your one friend that carries hot sauce around in their pocket, or the one that always comes to class late. You can't give a reasonable explanation for either, but you just attribute it to the fact that that's who they are, it's their character.
I think God's been telling me a lot lately to just take things for what they are: they just are. Not the bad things, but just His things. Where I'm at in my life, I feel like I need an explanation for everything. Whether it's because I've had to explain myself a lot or have been doubted, I'm not sure, but I know I've been asking God to do the explaining for me. In Jeremiah 1:5, God tells Jeremiah,
       "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
And, that's the same for you, Emnet, God's been saying. And, just because I fail to recognize it, doesn't mean God is ever going to stop carrying out His plan for my life. Just because I ask "why?" and find a lot of things to be beyond pointless ( I seriously do, it's a problem. I can't do something now for no reason, I have to know why I'm doing it-- kind of like the Greeks in art history), that doesn't mean they really are. It's a beautiful thing because, God, knowing me before I was born or even in my mother's womb (SUCH a weird thought), has already mapped out my life for His glory, just like He did for Jeremiah.
Just because I don't see it sometimes, it doesn't mean that I can diminish His glory. No. When you're destined to have something, you are bound to have it happen. When you get in a car and push the accelerator, you're bound to move.
That's the same with my life. When God gets in that car, and you let Him drive, He makes it so that, even if life gets you all crazy sometimes and you're scribbling 'nevermind! Give me back the keys!' on the car window, you can't put out the Son. Sometimes I am that lunatic trying to write 'darkness' all over my life's cell to put out the sun like C.S Lewis said, but I can't diminish God's glory anyhow. Thank God, too. I'm glad that this teenage girl, barely reaching an acceptable height for society, can do no harm to alter God's plan. I've had this conversation with a lot of different people, and I think I'm beginning to find that no, I cannot step out of God's will for my life... I think...It's still a LONG debated question I have, but, the point is, there's a song by Addison Road, and at one part she says "from the dawn of history, You make right and You redeem." And, that's right. That's just what God does. It's part of His rep. His STORY. History shows over and over again that, for the people He calls His, God maps out each success and victory to someday build to His glory, and their losses too. He's just GOD and He just CAN. He's that... smart. It never fails to amaze me how my details can lead to something so much bigger. He's creative, He saw us way before whenever, and He knew what He was doing, even when He saw that you didn't.

Scribble away, friends, there's nothing you can do.

"Even when we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."

So many times this verse has brought me comfort. Just because I've been doubting (aka, losing faith in) so much of His plan for me, that doesn't change who He is--- FAITHFUL. 

Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground...

I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. I don't know if I'm the only one, but it seems like yesterday was my first day of school and tomorrow will be my birthday. But... Umm... We're way passed that. It makes me kind of sad; we don't even realize how quickly life is passing by until it's already gone.

It kinda gets me thinking...

I hate to relate everything back to math class, but, yesterday, my math teacher was explaining to class why a shortcut to finding the sample space of a number was needed, and he said something like, "you couldn't wrtie it out if you spent your entire life trying."
As if that thought wasn't morbid enough, spending your entire life working out an obnoxious math problem, what he said after gave me a lot to think about. Some girl challenged him saying you could figure it out in a lifetime, and he decided to prove her wrong by calculating how many years it would take to finish writing it out...

He wrote the number of years it would take to write out the sample space on the board and then compared the number of years we had in a lifetime, adding "if you're lucky."

40,000,000,000,000,000
                                   82

I almost got chills, seriously.

When you compare how long our lives are to how long some extensive period of time is the way my math teacher did, you feel a little... insignificant..


But, when you compare it to *eternity*... Oh, Lord.

I don't know about you, but I sometimes feel rushed when I think of how fast life goes by.

I have a lot of things I want to accomplish in a lifetime, and I feel like, if I dont start soon, they won't get done.

Another reminder of how life short is also came to me yesterday. I was reading 2 Samuel, and I came across this verse:

"All of us must die eventually. Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him."

That really did give me chills.
I read it like three times and almost cried. You know how people say scripture can "jump out of the page?" I think that one just grabbed me.

The saying is so cliche that I don't even know what it means anymore, but everyone always writes "live life to the fullest" everywhere, and I think I found the key to doing so, as alluded to by the second part of the verse.

The only way to really make something out of this dot of time we have called life is this: to know Christ and to make Him known. If there's anything worth it for eternity, it's this.

Think about it, evaluate where your time and energy is being spent, and what you consider failure and success, and then think of that big number compared to your life...


Is it really worth it...?


Gotta love my math teacher, haha.

You're mine, that's the way it is, and I won't let you give in.

I feel like math teachers are some of the people who have to explain themselves the most. So many times in class I hear students asking, "when are we ever gonna use this?"

Most of the time, I understand where the teachers are coming from, even as a hesitant student myself. I mean, it kinda is school, and I kinda do need to learn whatever is being taught, no matter how pointless it may seem. I tend to avoid these arguments because the truth is: I can either learn it without complaining, or I can simply fail. So it doesn't matter to me that I don't see a point, I do what I am asked to do because I need to get through high school and go bigger and better places. I do the homework and practice problems, even the extra credit. However,  I've been thinking a lot lately, and, sometimes you just gotta be honest-

you may just never use this stuff.

Some of us will never grow up to graph a square root function or see the face of matrices ever again. I may not ever discover the quadratic formula as something useful to me in everyday life, or need to know how to perform long division. I probably won't ever need to remember that you can't have negatives in your exponents, and that you turn them into fractions when it does happen. I may not even need my times tables. But I still gotta learn the math.

I didn't write this post to defend or challenge mathematics or the modern education system or whatever. To be honest, I don't care. I'll learn the math, and I'll do it gladly because I know it's gonna help me get somewhere someday. Cool.

But I've seen a commonality between my math class and my life.
I see that all the questions students ask can all be summed up in one word, one question, really, and that question is "why."

Just like the students in math class, I've been catching myself asking the same thing of God. "Why? Why do I have to learn this way? Why can't you just fix this? Why can't you just intervene?"

I've even been subconsciously asking, "God, why do you love me?" I just don't get it. I've never understood this love, but more recently I've felt so unworthy of it that I didn't even want it. All I sometimes hear God say when I ask all of these questions is a faint, "I love you, I love you so much. You are mine, and I've never let you go."

...and I don't get it.

I ask "why?" and I ask "what's the point?" and God says, "I love you," and "I'll see you through."
Then I ask, "why do you love me?"

I've asked and asked and asked, and I feel like God spoke it to me finally in a really unexpected way. He said, "because you're you and I'm me."

I feel like that's the equivalent of simply telling me, "because... because."

But, He's absolutely right, that's just the way it is.

He just does.

I am not lovable, really, I'm not, but He is loving, and I heard Leah say it best when she said, "He is the relentless lover."

...and He is.

As for me? Well, I am just His beloved.
He loves me because I am His. I am who I am, and I am who He's made me to be, a child of the Great I am. (funny play on words, huh?)

He's so...
                           *                                    *                                                 *
This week has been one where I've asked God "why" so many times. I must be like that annoying two-year old researchers keep track of how many questions they ask a day.

I sometimes just don't get the point and wanna give up, but He tells me, "easy come, easy go," and I just want to let it go. To just let myself quit.

I've felt like it's so attractive at times (quitting), that I just go to bed early in the day as a symbol of my giving up on that day, and, yet, He tells me His mercies are new every morning.

I know that some things I ask the "why?" question to aren't meant to be answered on this side of eternity. I simply can't know why everything in my life happens, or what God used certain situations for, especially the ones I feel are just plain dumb. I don't know what the point of some tears are, or why I have to face certain fears when I'd rather avoid them altogether, but I don't really need to know it all. His thoughts are higher than mine. He is who He is, and I am who I am, and His ways are not my ways.

There's lots I don't know, lots that I have to just leave up to God, but I know one thing is for sure. That, unlike math class, my trials and pain and situations and frustrations are never "maybe" helpful. It's not like they are something I may or may not need in my future; God doesn't just let me go through purposeless suffering. I know that as much as I go through, He is going through it all with me, so it's not pointless at all. All these problems, unlike Algebra, I will eventually need. They're building me to something.

The crazy thing is, through all this, He tries to reason with me.

Why? He is a good God, that's why. He tells me He loves me, and He tells me I'm His. He tells me I have to go through some stuff because the easier things are to obtain, the easier they are to lose. I don't see myself throwing in the towel anytime soon, but not because of me, but because He is the "relentless" lover who won't let

Why He does all this for me? Why He keeps speaking to me? Why He is patient with me?
He tells me

"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you"
-Isaiah 43:4....


My. favorite. verse. 

We've all been there and back many times

It's been a while dear bloggers, it really has. In my abscence, I learned that the wonderful Morgan (I don't know how to put the links in quite yet, yeah, I'm lame) has awarded me. So nice! So, along with that, I list seven random things about myself and award others. **As soon as I figure this link system out I will PROMISE**However, for now, these are my seven random facts:

1) I love painted nail-polish, but I peel mine off like right after it's painted on.  80% of the time because it's not "painted right."
2) I can remember incredibly random details but forget things I probably shouldnt/
3) I'm actually really good at sports when I try to be, I can just get out of shape if I let myself get to it.
4) I've taken almost every AP social studies class offered at my high school, and, when I'm done, I will have taken 'em all. That's how much I love the subject.
5) I can copy/imitate the way a lot of singers sing. Like, really well sometimes too.
6) A lot of people say I look like Selena Gomez. Chuckle, then go look at pictures. I didn't believe it at first, but now I kindaaa see it.
7) I'm an absolute perfectionist. Like, OCD kind. That sometimes makes me freak out over little things.