Looking for yourself out there?

I don't know how much any of you wants to read this. I didn't intend for this to become a blog post, and I know I can get really long in my blog posts, but EVERYTHING that had been on my mind lately had been spilled out in this, so it's extra-specially long. Here it goes, my completely spontaneous, random, and somewhat heartfelt post. I wrote it at one in the morning after waking up randomly so, Uhh, yeah. 

 I think things in my life are about to change. I don't know why, all I know is I keep having flashbacks of scenes from what I think might soon be "life as I once knew it." 

I'm remembering driving passed a carnival on a Sunday night with my parents and the sunset in the background and them deciding to stop by, and old schoolmates. I'm remembering ordering pizza on our front porch with my mother, going to graduation parties, my trip to Ethiopia, and the way my family and I would watch "The Cosby Show" and "Full House" together. I remember the day my brother was born, and all the fun and crazy times I've had with my cousins. I go through my best friend's birthday parties and play scenes of prayer conferences my parents have dragged me to in my head. I think of school, recess in elementary school, coming inside after being in the hot sun, and having "fun Fridays" where we'd have pizza and orange sorbet ice cream in fifth grade. I also remembered my first day of middle school, how the sun shone above the hallway windows,  what I wore, who I met, and gossiping with my friends along the way. I learned a lot about life, but I learned a lot academically too, and I think I was inspired by people without even knowing it. I recall running away from kids chasing me in capture the flag as we played in the streets right before the sunset, and making up dance moves to a Cheetah Girl's song in my neighbor's garage. I think of all my passed summers, sunsets, and trips. I remember going to California, and I think of my first day of high school. I remember when I wanted to be a psychiatrist, just like my uncle, and when I would watch Arthur in my old bedroom with the sun setting in the background because it was a Sunday night and my sister was too young for me to play with that late and there was nothing to do. I remember my few fights with my best friend, and I remember watching Caillou on my big screen t.v when we were seven. I remember being the first ones up with my little sister in our new house (new 8 years ago, of course), and the sun rising behind us, and I remember the first time I listened to Brook Fraser. I remember the Hillsong United concert I went to, and way before that hearing "Desert Song" and crying because of how much that applied to my life, and I remember Brooke Fraser singing it then, too. I remember my dad buying my sister and I scooters for Valentine's day (so random, haha). I remember joining and being in my elementary school worship team, and all the worship teams to follow, and I remember the standing outside reading a book to get a head start on my homework while I waited for my mom to come pick me up from school (usually 5-10 minutes late). I remember watching Disney Channel with my sister, and when I started and, soon after, quit piano lessons. I remember church conferences I would go to, and I remember eating ice cream on the fourth of July. I remember the specific brands of food I'd buy at Cotsco with my parents, and my big fight I got with them on the way home one time. I remember many people eating lunch or dinner with us or staying the night at our house because they were missionaries just passing through, and I rememeber when little girls from Uganda stayed at our house for a few days with their choir. I remember all the stories these people would tell, and I remember letting other people stay in our house because they needed someone to help them while they got on their own two feet. Even in my first memories  to just recently, people my parents once knew or met who needed help were always more than welcome to stay at our house. I remember thinking that was normal, and that everyone did it, I also remember being surrounded by a community of people who did do it, maybe not as often as my family, but they did. I remember all the stupid arguments I'd get into with people, and all the times I regretted saying something I shouldn't have. I remember my first time straightening my hair by myself, and going to Arizona for my cousin's wedding-- the first CLOSE family member I've witnessed getting married. I also remember flying to Canada with my cousin and meeting our uncle and his family whom we hadn't seen in eight or nine years before that. Well, me at least. I remember getting my ipod nano, how upset i was when my brother broke my ipod touch, and getting my iphone 4 for my birthday when i turned 16 and feeling the need to update the entire world about it via facebook. I remember worshipping in the OLD, OLD gym of my uncle's church and singing "I walk by faith, each step, by faith," and doing dances during VBS to a song that goes "This is a good, good life, God loves me, this I know," and I remember  chuckling on stage during my fourth grade play practice. I remember meeting people I was so attracted to because of their bold opinions, and wishing I could decide what I believed like that, and soon after realizing I wasnt that opinionated.

I could go on and on, and I kind of already have, but my life has just been playing like a movie or video montage in my head, and I don't know what to do with all theses memories or why I have them here. Yeah, certain instances remind you of stuff from your childhood, but this has been all I can even THINK about. 
 
Anyway, I can't think of why 
else all my life would be running through my head CONSTANTLY if something new wasn't about to happen, or if change wasn't about to be introduced to my life. Recently, I've had songs playing in my head saying "these things will change" or "things are gonna change." I know they mean the same thing, but they've come out of different songs, and in several ways. I mean, I could be dead wrong. I could just simply be bored and have all these thoughts come to my mind (although that's not what I usually think about), and I could just be coming to a random and totally off point conclusion about all this, or maybe God just wants me to think of all the things that have shaped me.

 I'm thinking about my life and all it's been thus far, and I realize that so much of it has grown to make me think the way I do about a lot of things, and made me like the things I like now, and desire the things I desire now. 

I see God all over it, and it's not to say I was chasing God that entire time, because I think that God, lately especially, says to me "I've wanted you more than you want me." And it just makes so much sense that He does that. Because, at this point, I've been so frustrated with where I've wanted to be and what I've wanted in life that I felt like I was pursuing God more than He cared to show up for me. And I'm realizing that I'm dead wrong. I think I've given up a lot because I've thought 'why bother when I'm the only one that cares,' because a lot of things for me have been taking longer than I've wanted, like  a lot of the dreams I want to start pursuing. 

 Something I've noticed in my life is that, through all the scenes (except a few), I can mostly remember the sun being a part of them. Whether it be sunset, sunrise, or simply standing in the middle of the day, the sun is always silently present in my memories. I remember when I watched Arthur without my sister, it was significant because it was a sunny day and I could have been outside playing with someone. 

I've been overwhelmed with my whole life story, and I think it's because God's been telling me this: that, just like the sun, He's been there watching my entire life. Not only that, but He's fostered it, just like the sun does to life on Earth. He's protected me, taught me, guided me, and revealed Himself to me that entire time, making me the believer I am today.

For some, their lives have affected their personalities but, for me, my life has affected my Christianity. I can't remember not being conscious of God during my life. He's always been knowledge for me, always there in the back of my mind and so... So... Present. 

I accepted Christ when I was VERY little, and probably even before that because this is just the farthest I can remember. I know my parents read me bible stories from before I was four, and I even remember the setting of some story time. I know that I didn't ever doubt God existed before accepting Christ in my life, only after I said "yes, come in," did I experience doubt that came from what the world threw at me. I even remember the image I had in my mind when I thought about what it looked like to have Jesus "knocking on my heart," and then wanting to bust the door open and tell Him to come in and sit down with 

 Nobody asked me to write out my life story and, frankly, I've never believed anyone's cared. I still don't completely, but God tells me "I give you your worth."  I don't know why I'm even up right now, seeing as I've been asleep for 6 hours and just woke up at 1 am to a dark house and no alarm clock, I just kinda woke up. It's three in the morning now, and, I have no one to talk to but God, and I think that He wanted me to write this all out. I started praying and the scenes and the feeling wouldn't stop, so I started telling Him about them and decided to keep track on the notes app on my iPhone. I even went back an entire year or more in facebook posts a few days ago and just read through what I was doing at this time in 2009. I also went through my 100 notes I've left on my iPhone since September of this year, and thought about the hundreds I had written in my iPod touch all last year before it broke and I lost it. 

Anyway, I see God's hand so much over my life, that I feel convicted for even thinking I cared more or had to wait on God when, in reality, He's been waiting on ME. He's planned out my whole life and was waiting for me to even realize my goals before I got to this point of being annoyed at the fact that they are taking so long to reach. I've been so angry that it's taking so long for everything to just be fixed, when God's been waiting for His plan to carry out in my life for SIXTEEN YEARS. Wait, scratch that. He's been waiting for way before that, He tells me He knew me before He formed me in my mother's womb. That's a long time, and I'm upset at the way things are for me; I've had to wait months. Please. 

It's almost not fair. It's not fair to God that He waits patiently for however long and I get angry with Him for staying somewhat silent on my matter for months. I remember that two years ago I had a rough time, and I'd cry a lot to God about something I didn't understand why had to happen to me and seriously no one else. One day, I came home from school after something stupid. My grade in math slipped to a B after getting a bad grade on a test because I didnt have enough time to finish it; I spent too much time on one problem. My mom walked into my room asking what was wrong, and I just started bawling, "it's not fair! It's not fair, it's never fair for me!" And, I'll tell you this, my mom was pretty confused. I was talking about EVERYTHING. My entire year was described in that one moment of honesty: it's. not. fair. Sure, some of the things that were happening to me instead of others truly weren't fair in the sense of equality, but I look back and God used EVERYTHING in that year to bring me to where I am now, and none of it was fair. I think more and more now, whenever I say something's "not fair" to God (which I've been doing a lot lately), it's normally something He's using to shape and mold me: something He really wants me to learn from. That night, I was sitting next to my mom by the fireplace, and she told me, "you know why life's not fair? Because it can't be. If life were fair, we wouldn't have grace, that's why it's good that sometimes we don't get what we deserve." And I knew she knew I was referring to more than just that math test. 

I think of all the ways my life isn't fair, and I'm glad now. I'm glad because I am called to be holy as He is holy, and I'm realizing that nothing with Jesus was fair.

Jesus had to wait THIRTY- THREE YEARS to reach His destiny. He knew what was coming, and He couldn't just get it over with. He stayed, taught, and healed while He waited on Earth and traded His comfy throne for our crusty planet. That wasn't fair. It's not fair that the King's son would die for all the flaws of His subjects- it doesn't even make sense! It kind of gives a reason to my "why?" questioning.   

I was in my athletic training class the other day and my teacher was talking about care and prevention of wounds, half-upset at God for the entire "not fair" deal when, out of nowhere, I felt God ask, "who cared for my wounds? Who took care of me?" I'm sure He was talking about Jesus on the cross. All of us sinners get our wounds taken care of when He didn't, He never did, and His were far worse- they pierced THROUGH His skin. That's not fair. Unfair events in the lives of believers lead to glory, just like they did in Jesus' life. 

No wonder I call this man my hero. He took it all for me.

Btw, check out the song "Invasion (Hero)" by Trip Lee, it's my absolute favorite (on a different level than Brooke Fraser's, of course).

Anyway, my entire life story proves that I'm a change in the making, and He's walking me to something great, even though I don't really like this process of walking through it.

I'm learning to drive but I'm in the permit stage, if you will. Notice all the driving references I've been making? I'm getting my license soon, that's why. 

God's not through with me yet.

"This is redemption's story, 
 with every step that I'm taking,
I'm closer to who I'm meant to be.
This is me under construction. This is my pride being broke. Everyday I'm closer to who I'm meant to be.
I'm a change in the making"