My Whole Life is Yours, I Give it All, Surrender to Your Name.

     Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm supposed to write, I just know I need to write...
And this is one of those times. I hate writing without a point. You know? It's just like walking around outside with nowhere to go...but you just kind of start walking. And sometimes that's okay because you need the fresh air. I guess that's what I'm feeling. 


     These days, I feel like I have to push to get anything I want. I mean, anything at all. It's not as though I can remember a time in my life where I've recieved everything I've wanted with incredible ease, but I can't seem to have anything I want nowadays without a struggle. I mean, in the past, I used to work moderately hard for some things and exceptionally hard for a few, far-gone things and then sometimes I'd get lucky and things would be handed to me, just like any normal person. 


But, now... Not so much. 


Maybe this is me whining, and maybe this is me just noticing what's going on in my life, but I just feel like now, if I want it, I have to put up a good fight to get it. 


And life's just become hard like that. 


I don't know how to describe it... I'm completely fine. Everything (praise God) is good. School's alright, church is fine, friends are good, family's doing well...Yet. Everything is so dang hard at the same time. 
I don't know...


This blog post is filled with as many 'I don't know's' as my life is at the moment. 


I don't remember if I blogged about this or just talked to a lot of you guys about this, but, last year, I asked God to make me hard worker. It just seems like now I don't even have the option not to be.


It makes me laugh because I've talked a lot in my blog posts about how God tells me anything easy isn't going to be worth it... so maybe everything that's going on in my life right now is just set up to be so worth it in the future that I have to work hard for it. Maybe none of it is easy because all of it is worth it. When I say worth it, I mean the kind of worth it like when you stay up an entire night doing an assignment only to realize you would have never gotten the grade you did had you not put in all that extra effort.  


And maybe that's just where my life's at. Again, I don't know. This is just me kind of giving my mind a breath of fresh air and a chance to "walk around outside" in a sense that I need to organize my thoughts, walking around nowhere. Or maybe that's just it. 



I've noticed that carries over to my spirtitual life too. I could just sit here and be fine with God like I am now, just like everything's just fine...Or I can work. I can press in more, push harder and look harder to discover more of a beautiful God that I've barely touched the surface of. 


Because my God, even more so than my calling and my future, is just that big. 


I have to work now because when you get comfortable in your spiritual life is when you're probably not growing the most. In the words of Brooke Fraser, "the uncomfortable circumstances of life give us opportunities to grow & become better people..." And I want to be better.  


I'm guess I'm just exhausted. My friend, Brook, texted me earlier today and said, "I feel like you need a vacation...And you're 17 -___-"


It made me laugh, but it also made me realize that he's right. I really don't want to try anymore. Maybe this is just the human side of me or maybe the lazy side of me (again, I don't know), but I feel like I'm not the person everyone sees as so put together and knows what she's doing at all anymore... and I don't even want to try anymore. 


Giving up sounds insanely pleasant right now. And I don't mean just taking a vacation like Brook said, I mean just not hoping for the same things anymore. Like settling for average or whatever it is that I was working so hard not to be. 


I'm tired like the fishermen were in Luke 5, where, after a long time of fishing with no catch, they started washing their nets only to find Jesus commanding them to


    "push out into deep water, and lower your nets for a catch." - Luke 5:4


I'm that kind of tired. I feel like I'm drowing with what I have to do, and right when I want to get out of the water, clean my net, and go home, Jesus wants to tell me to "push out into deep water."


But look at the result in verse 6. 


 The fishermen put their nets into the water. Their nets were filled with so many fish that they began to break

Go deeper. That's it. You're tired, you've been up all night... But there's a catch. You're not working to no end, you just have to press in a bit more. I'm doing this because I love you. I want to teach you, and I want you to find more of me.

 And maybe that's what God's telling me.

I feel like I'm playing to lose, but I'm grateful I even have the chance to wake up and work hard another day and for God's word that reminds me that I am more than a conqueror.

The only reason I won't quit? Because, I, like Brooke Fraser and William Booth, have given God all there is of Emnet, and I refuse to take it back.

I might be telling God I'm tired like the disciples did in verse 5 of that chapter, but I know His response isn't a response to let me quit. It's one of love that knows there's something bigger on the deep end. I just gotta go there in obedience. And I'm grateful I even get the chance to, because I don't deserve the grace of a future and calling as beautiful as God promises mine to be in Jeremiah 29:11.

So, friends, I'll leave you with this next quote in relation to your calling and just not giving up. I still miss you guys, and thanks if you're still reading these.


"Here ends another day, during which I have had eyes, ears, hands and the great world around me. Tomorrow begins another day. Why am I allowed two?” 
― G.K. Chesterton

The Times Tootsie Pops and Starburst are Absolutely Called For

 Remember what I blogged last night about being in a winter-ish seaosn and how that can sometimes bring unexpected snow days? Guess what today brought....

Ohh, yeahh.

But it's not like I knew about it or anything when I was writing, I was in my new room... in my basement... so I couldn't even see what it looked like outside, my analogy just kinda came to life.

So that leads me to blog again and to remember God's grace. Ahh.

I feel like there's no need to worry about anything anymore. Like, anything.
When I let go and let God I get... well, snow days.

It's been hard feeling like the whole world is against me, or like someone is out to ruin all my plans (which someone is- the devil), but it's really nice to just truly understand what God means when He says,


"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:11 MSG.


You know how in Extreme Makeover: Home Edition it looks crazy when they knock the entire house down and then it looks amazing what they put up in its place? That's what I'm seeing God wants to do with our lives when we hand them to Him. And when we start screaming, "What do you think you're doing??" when we see He's completely tearing our houses down, He gives us Jeremiah 29:11 as a response- "I know what I'm doing. And, I'm God, so it's gonna be beautiful..."

These days I feel I'm set up to fail, like I'm just digging myself out of a hole or fighting a losing battle that I just go through the motions to fight, but God reminds me in Joshua 1:5 that it's just the opposite.

I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses... It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you.

For me that verse just says, "you're gonna win. All this stuff you're up against? It's gonna be all yours soon." 


So I'm going to obey Matthew 6:25 and just chill out. Let go and let God.

Ohhh. And sometimes just take all the candy that the snow day calls for - for the body and the soul (before you start your lovely homework). Have a beautiful, worry-free day, ya'll.

=)

The Lights Around Here Change Fast, Don't They?

          I think it's suffice to say that I haven't posted since August, and that was the last time I feel I've really had to gather all my thoughts and just somewhat organize everything that's been going on in my life. It's not like I'm really doing big things, I'm just moving forward from where I've been.

           Someone said it. "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

           It's November, and God's teaching me that we're not meant to stay in August forever- to stay in what's been comfortable and what we've come to like. I'm one of those people that absolutely loves summer. I mean, I daydream of the summertime, and I celebrate its start every year. So I'm just going to use that as my example of the harvest season or whatever we Christians describe our spiritually high times as. My August is evidently over- there's snow on its way tomorrow morning, and I'm writing from my new bedroom, a completely different setting/atmosphere than what I'm used to writing in. The point is, though, that maybe winter isn't all bad.
          Since this past summer where God changed my life completely, I've somehow been thrown forward onto this path where I'm not sure where I'm going, I just can't stay where I've been... And that sometimes means leaving people behind.
           If I've talked to you lately about my struggles or the biggest things in life, you may have heard me use the terms 'lonely' or 'alone,' and it's because I've found myself wrestling with them on an almost daily basis for the past couple of months. I've been trying to describe this for a while, and I've been saying things like, "I may be lonely, but I'm never alone... I just feel alone." But I've come to find that maybe I actually am alone.
         When I say I feel alone, there has never been a day in my short, seventeen years of existence where I've truly believed that there was no one with me in an 'empty' room. That is, I have always known in the back of my mind the presence of the Almighty God would never escape me, and I'm a firm believer in the words of Matthew 28:20. . . But I am alone in the sense that no one around me really is seeking out the same things I am. No one cares about what I care about, and no one really feels what I feel when I step into a crowded hallway at school.
         I think it's all because maybe I'm truly becoming a misfit. I'm uncomfortable with a lot of my surroundings now, and I couldn't put my finger on it until I thought about why I was feelings so alone... because I am.

         But, you know what I've discovered? I've discovered that it's not original to wear an original costume on Halloween... You're still dressing up- like everyone else is on that day. That example of last night's holiday I think God brought to my mind to challenge me- to challenge me to really understand what it means to step out and seek what God wants for me in life, and sometimes that can mean feeling and actually being alone because, once you choose to pursue Jesus, you become radical... You step out of what the world is used to and knows, and you step into the unique person God has set you apart to become. Yeah, set you apart to become... not set you with everyone else to become.
       And then I guess you become a misfit, where the things around you just don't satisfy you, and you find that others just don't understand...
       
       And, through all this, I am thankful.  I am thankful because I know that God sees me. He sees that I want to want what He wants for me, and He knows that everyone is looking for someone to follow, so He wants to make me the type of person that will lead them to Him if they choose to follow me.
       That "follow me as I follow Christ" thing that Paul talked about? Yeah, it really is to be walked out.   I'm not gonna say this hasn't been messy, but I seriously see how strong God can be in my weakness. I'm becoming kinda OK with being out of my element at the moment because winter can mean unexpected snow days at school, and, in the words of Francis Chan,
 
       "If life were stable, I'd never need God's help. Since it's not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God."


       Not only this, but in my most dire moments I guess you could call them, God has sent me verses like Joshua 1:5 to remind me that He's with me all the and way, and we are more than conquerors in Christ. That, yeah, we're alone because we're misfits, and we're misfits because we're alone, but God whispers, "I will never leave you nor forsake you, missy. Ever." I added that 'ever' in... Just as a reminder. For me.

       And, thanks to Steve Jobs and Pastor Chris Durso for relating it back to Christianity in his messages, we have this quote that shows us the road we're traveling is the narrow but rewarding. So I'll leave you with this:


“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo.  You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."