My Whole Life is Yours, I Give it All, Surrender to Your Name.

     Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm supposed to write, I just know I need to write...
And this is one of those times. I hate writing without a point. You know? It's just like walking around outside with nowhere to go...but you just kind of start walking. And sometimes that's okay because you need the fresh air. I guess that's what I'm feeling. 


     These days, I feel like I have to push to get anything I want. I mean, anything at all. It's not as though I can remember a time in my life where I've recieved everything I've wanted with incredible ease, but I can't seem to have anything I want nowadays without a struggle. I mean, in the past, I used to work moderately hard for some things and exceptionally hard for a few, far-gone things and then sometimes I'd get lucky and things would be handed to me, just like any normal person. 


But, now... Not so much. 


Maybe this is me whining, and maybe this is me just noticing what's going on in my life, but I just feel like now, if I want it, I have to put up a good fight to get it. 


And life's just become hard like that. 


I don't know how to describe it... I'm completely fine. Everything (praise God) is good. School's alright, church is fine, friends are good, family's doing well...Yet. Everything is so dang hard at the same time. 
I don't know...


This blog post is filled with as many 'I don't know's' as my life is at the moment. 


I don't remember if I blogged about this or just talked to a lot of you guys about this, but, last year, I asked God to make me hard worker. It just seems like now I don't even have the option not to be.


It makes me laugh because I've talked a lot in my blog posts about how God tells me anything easy isn't going to be worth it... so maybe everything that's going on in my life right now is just set up to be so worth it in the future that I have to work hard for it. Maybe none of it is easy because all of it is worth it. When I say worth it, I mean the kind of worth it like when you stay up an entire night doing an assignment only to realize you would have never gotten the grade you did had you not put in all that extra effort.  


And maybe that's just where my life's at. Again, I don't know. This is just me kind of giving my mind a breath of fresh air and a chance to "walk around outside" in a sense that I need to organize my thoughts, walking around nowhere. Or maybe that's just it. 



I've noticed that carries over to my spirtitual life too. I could just sit here and be fine with God like I am now, just like everything's just fine...Or I can work. I can press in more, push harder and look harder to discover more of a beautiful God that I've barely touched the surface of. 


Because my God, even more so than my calling and my future, is just that big. 


I have to work now because when you get comfortable in your spiritual life is when you're probably not growing the most. In the words of Brooke Fraser, "the uncomfortable circumstances of life give us opportunities to grow & become better people..." And I want to be better.  


I'm guess I'm just exhausted. My friend, Brook, texted me earlier today and said, "I feel like you need a vacation...And you're 17 -___-"


It made me laugh, but it also made me realize that he's right. I really don't want to try anymore. Maybe this is just the human side of me or maybe the lazy side of me (again, I don't know), but I feel like I'm not the person everyone sees as so put together and knows what she's doing at all anymore... and I don't even want to try anymore. 


Giving up sounds insanely pleasant right now. And I don't mean just taking a vacation like Brook said, I mean just not hoping for the same things anymore. Like settling for average or whatever it is that I was working so hard not to be. 


I'm tired like the fishermen were in Luke 5, where, after a long time of fishing with no catch, they started washing their nets only to find Jesus commanding them to


    "push out into deep water, and lower your nets for a catch." - Luke 5:4


I'm that kind of tired. I feel like I'm drowing with what I have to do, and right when I want to get out of the water, clean my net, and go home, Jesus wants to tell me to "push out into deep water."


But look at the result in verse 6. 


 The fishermen put their nets into the water. Their nets were filled with so many fish that they began to break

Go deeper. That's it. You're tired, you've been up all night... But there's a catch. You're not working to no end, you just have to press in a bit more. I'm doing this because I love you. I want to teach you, and I want you to find more of me.

 And maybe that's what God's telling me.

I feel like I'm playing to lose, but I'm grateful I even have the chance to wake up and work hard another day and for God's word that reminds me that I am more than a conqueror.

The only reason I won't quit? Because, I, like Brooke Fraser and William Booth, have given God all there is of Emnet, and I refuse to take it back.

I might be telling God I'm tired like the disciples did in verse 5 of that chapter, but I know His response isn't a response to let me quit. It's one of love that knows there's something bigger on the deep end. I just gotta go there in obedience. And I'm grateful I even get the chance to, because I don't deserve the grace of a future and calling as beautiful as God promises mine to be in Jeremiah 29:11.

So, friends, I'll leave you with this next quote in relation to your calling and just not giving up. I still miss you guys, and thanks if you're still reading these.


"Here ends another day, during which I have had eyes, ears, hands and the great world around me. Tomorrow begins another day. Why am I allowed two?” 
― G.K. Chesterton