"In everything he did, David had great success because the LORD was with him."

I know all of my last few posts have been really long and maybe a bit of a drag to read (MAHLET!), or so my sister keeps telling me, but I think I need to just get this down on record before the new year. and then just maybe I'll write something not-so-serious or heavy or whatever, haha. So recently, I was really down on myself and didn't know what to do (specifically) with my life. But, I knew what I wanted out of my life. So, based off of some lyrics from an incredible song written by an incredible role model (Brooke Fraser), I wrote a mission statement type thingy for my new year and, even bigger, my life. I wrote this letter to God, and I don't think the things in here I will ever change my mind about. And, the song, Arithemetic, is seriously my all-time favorite song on the planet. It took me sixteen years to decide, but FINALLY, I have a favorite!! Normally, there's too much music to decide from because I've always love so much music. But this song...this song.... Anyway, here's the letter I wrote Him, almost verbatim.

Dear God,
  
How did David's story end?
      Because I'm at the point where all I want is that
        "When the years are showing on my face,
          and my strongest days are gone,
          when my heart & flesh depart this place,
          from a life that's sung your song,
          You'll still be the one I want,
          You'll still be the one I want,
          You'll still be the one I want."

I guess that's my mission statement.
    But, of course, incorporated in that is so much more.
I want to have lived a life that's "sung Your song" and have You be the one at the end of all of that but, along with that, I want You to be my audience, my one and only; my beginning and my end. I need You, and I want to continue to know I need You, and learn it even more and more every. single. day.
    I want to be empowered by You. I want to live a life full of power, God, because I want to be able to do all the same things that You would be doing, and even more than what You did do. I want to rise above my circumstances every time and be victorious. I don't necessarily think that I'll never be wrong, but I pray I come back You every time. I pray that I would understand your grace and let it be all I need & more.
      I want to be the type of person that hears your voice and knows it. I want Your voice to become more and more recognizable by the day. That, when I hear something, I can easily discern whether or not it's You, because I am just that well-acquainted with you.
     I want to be that person that people would just see my life and know Jesus. Or, at least, want Him. Or at least just see Him.
     I want to be able to know that my life is a vapor, and, yet, not want anything to do with just hanging out in the wind. I want to make some sort of splash in this big old ocean of life I'm in and, like David, make use of even my free time to build for Your future glory.
     I want that person to be one that has had so little of herself, that she can create enough room for Your glory, God.
     And, I'm not saying I want her life to be perfect, because, although I disdain trials and pain, I want to be a person that looks and acts more and more like Jesus the older and older she gets. I want to lose it all for you, only to gain it all back and then some. I want to love and then live incidentally.
     So, if that means I must go through hardships, then I pray that you would do only what you need to do, and allow me to face only what I need to face, God. I pray, like Jesus once did, that, regardless of the pain I have to go through, "Father, have your way." And, in that, I pray that I would be a woman who is found constantly encouraging herself in You. Daily. That I would run to You for strength to make it through a normal day and be filled up then filled up until I have to do it again so that, in that, I can be a a person who continuously "beats up" her "beat downs." I want to worship You in spirit and truth, but first overcome enough to.
     I want to learn to Love God and then Love people, and I capitalize love because it is a being. But, before that, I want to go to God to teach me how to do that. To love what He loves (like people) and hate what He hates, but to know Him well enough to be able to do that. To run to You. I want to be ministered to so that I can minister to others. I want to pour into people, but, first, I want to allow God to pour into me. Then fill + refill me. Again and again and again.
     I want to build and create impacting + life-changing relationships, but, I want You to be my one and only. I want to get alone, but never really alone, actually, because You are with me. I want best friends, but a better friend in Him. To tell Him all my secrets and love Him more than the world + anything OR anyoneand l o v e.
      I want to move in excellence but exchange burdens with Him so I can do so more easily. To have my spirit almost be one with the H o l y Spirit. To be pure in heart but still avoid pride, run + turn from it so that I may be lead gladly by You.
     I want to be so hardworking that people wonder why and so into you that I become into serving You,  but, in that, I may never forget to rest. I want: to set the world on fire and actually be a planetshaker, to be where You are, to run until I *finish* the race, to be able to                 that uplift people ,just so I can be apart of Your work, and to have a story of victory tat brings out a song of praise, just so I can honor You.
     I want to get to see You because, to do all these things, I'm going to need to, and maybe I'll act on so much of Your heart that I'd actually find it... while I'm here. Help me see You. Give me even more vision. ---->
Help me.

-Emnet. 12.19.10

"In everything he did, David had great success because the LORD was with him..."
I want people to be able to say that about me when I die, or even when I'm older than I am now.

Certain as the dawn appears.

Certain as the dawn appears

   So, I'm kind of lost. There's something I know I need to do, but I just don't know what it is, or what to pick from my long list of things to do. And, if there was a word I could use to describe my situation without being redundant, it's confused. I'm so confused. But it's not the bad kind of confused, it's the hopeful kind. Never heard of it? Well, for understanding's sake, I'd like to introduce you.
    It's when you know who God wants you to be, yet, for a second in time, you decide that that's not the same person you want to be because of what you might just have to sacrifice, or the anger you'd have to hold in, or just the sheer faith and strength it takes to be a true woman of God. Then deciding two seconds later that it's not true and you really do want to be who God wants you to be because, the person you've been asking God to become, is the very same person He's asking of you. It's not only that, but it's  turning around and saying sorry  three seconds later, only to commit the same crime 24 hours later.
Why is this good, you ask?
Because it's a struggle I've been taught is beautiful. I've seen it exemplified by one of the most radical believers on the earth, and, as much as I don't usually reference Paul (even though he write one of my favorite books in the Bible), he writes in Romans:

"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate."

    So, at least I can say I'm on the same page with a really cool guy who loved Jesus. I'm confused and "not really understanding myself," just like he was.
    And it's hopeful because, a few lines later in that very chapter, paul writes:

"But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it," he adds "Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."

   So there's hope there- a hope that Jesus will soon come and rescue me from my suffering and, not to mention, headache caused by the confusion of who I am, who I've been, and who I'm yet to be.
  But that's not the only part of the confused that I am. What can be really confusing is how I'm supposed to feel about things happening in my life. I know how I am to react, for I am commanded to:

 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!"

   But being joyful doesn't necessarily mean being happy. Happiness, by definition, is an emotion brought on by a set of circumstances that bring well-being. So, no, God doesn't command me to always be happy; He Himself wasn't always happy.
No.
   In Jesus, we have a person that can relate to all of us, and that's a major reason God sent His son in the first place; we feel better accompanied by those who are more relatable to us. In fact, Jesus, like many of us do today, wept. His friend had died, and I'm not too sure how much of that happy emotion His circumstances were bringing Him. Regardless, He remained faithful and kept with His joy... But He still wept... He was still sad.
    Jesus even got angry, yeah, He tore UP that marketplace, and the rebellious and very much so active & alive part of me wishes I could've been there to experience  it with Him at that very moment. Just TEAR IT UP! Hahaha. But, I wasn't, and, I believe, as unhappy as His situation made Him, He still kept the commandment of Joyfulness.
   So, there's hope for me because, the maker of the stars that shine so brightly above me as I type these words, got just as angry as I can get, and just as sad as I've sometimes been. Not only that, but He's right here doing it over again with me, as He continuously chooses to be found in the midst of my suffering.
  And, although I still don't understand what joy truly is (because I know it's not an emotion, for emotions cannot be commanded over someone without circumstances aligning), I know I must have some sort of it. I just know it. I wouldn't know how to define it for you if you asked, but I know it's something that lingers deep within me. I know this because, as undeserving as I am, I have the very Spirit of the Most High dwelling within me, and He bears such fruit.
 SOO, that's pretty (hopeful) confusion.
   But the worst is this: it's knowing (at least, thinking, now) that God has spoken something into your life and promised you something, then having seemingly everything in your life go the exact way.
  It's knowing the promise still stands but fighting to maintain your memory of the very words of God in the first place, because you know faith comes by hearing, and hearing is absolutely not seeing. Because faith is the "evidence of things not seen."
   The biggest confusion comes from when the devil discredits the word of God over your life, but in a different way from what you're used to-- from what I'm used to. It's when he does it through situations rather than that messed up whisper I've learned to rebuke. It's then that I get confused. It's when you get the biggest jolt of anger and frustration for wanting to get all that God said He'd give you, and wanting it right there and then, but knowing you have to wait because you're clearly not ready to receive it, otherwise you would have gotten it by now.  Then feeling bad for feeling so angry, then feeling sorry for thinking that way, but becoming even more angry for not being able to express your emotions as frankly and bluntly as you'd like, then just getting a headache when you think of the freedom you're supposed to have in Christ,  then just crying because you want to give up but you know you can't because this is what you've now decided to base your love upon,
So,
The hopeful confusion, my friends, is being confused about the very reason you're breathing, but knowing that you're breathing for something. It's understanding that the Lord has words that do not, cannot, and will not return to Him void, but still not seeing anything that would make you believe them. I'm promised blessing, but I can't see it yet. Actually, everything in my life right now that God's spoken about seems to be completely wrong; it seems like it's just all going the wrong way. It seems like everything, if it hasn't already, is preparing to fall apart. But it's hopeful because I have faith, because, in those statements I made, I didn't say everything "is" going the wrong way, it just "seems" like it is, but the God I know works beyond what I can currently see.             And it's hopeful because I have a God whose thoughts are higher than mine, and He knows exactly what I've got waiting for me. And I'll trust that He'll take care. I want the blessings of Abraham w i t h o u t the waiting of Abraham, but I trust that someday, somehow I'll get somewhere in-between, maybe a little Isaac of my own. But, until then, I'll just keep waiting for whatever it is I'm waiting on.
I'll wait like a boy before his date, knowing that there's nothing to do between now and then, but something's good is coming at the end.
 Last of all, hopeful confusion is confusion with a resolve. I'm waiting on something, but I don't know what; I'm excited for something I truly can't see, and I wish I could sneak a peak at just a little glimpse of it to give me a little bit of happiness to last me through this waiting period. But, I've resolved to be still and ~know~ that He is God, rather than ~feel~ that He is God, since emotions such as happiness itself can be a mess. Furthermore, rather than running to find the answers like Abraham once did,

 "I have decided, I have resolved, to wait upon You Lord. My rock and redeemer, shield and reward, I wait upon You lord."

Surely, He'll come, as I expect the sun to come up tomorrow morning to greet me and start my day, I expect my promise from the Lord and, maybe, like David, I can make use of this quiet time and get ready for a blessing with whatever sheep and harp I have, because, He IS coming.....

As CERTAIN as the dawn appears,

You'll come.

As soon as my heart is thirsty enough to be *flood* into ;)

Look only to God... E v e r y t h i n g I'll ever need.

Look only to God.

Before you continue, I'd like you to know that this post is an expansion of the one below... If you haven't read it, you might want to check it out because it could give you a better idea of where I'm coming from. If not, we still cool like the other side of the pillow. (:

For the longest time now, I had been depending on people for everything from approval to provision & advice, and God has been calling me to get alone with Him, to look only to Him, and to let that be enough for me.

I guess you could say it’s fine to depend on close friends & family, especially if you don’t have anyone else to depend on, but it’s not okay when it comes to God. It’s like having a professional and very willing cook waiting to be called on in your own house, yet going next door to your neighbors and begging for their leftovers from yesterday’s meal for dinner. No matter how close your neighbors may be, what’s the point? I mean, sure, you could still get food that way, but, why would you? And would it taste as good? Would it even be as satisfying? I’m not so convinced. Not only is it thinking backwards and illogically, it is also very rude and offensive to the chef you have waiting on you. That is in a sense saying that you would rather eat your neighbor's scraps than the chef’s entrees; saying that they are better.

I believe it is the same with God. Don’t go to someone who can’t offer you much when someone who has the world in His hands is reaching out for your hand. I was doing just that, and I was failed time and time again and didn’t realize I could have just saved myself the heartbreak. I believe with my whole heart that we are called to love both God & people, and to love our neighbor as ourselves, but I need to be loved by God in order to love people the right way... the way God would have me loving them. I believe you cannot really love something you have a dependency on that they cannot fulfill. To love, to me, is partially to sacrifice, and, if you depend on someone or something, you cannot sacrifice that much for them because you first need them to do something for you.

Humans are not the ones to turn to. They are oftentimes fallible, self-seeking, lacking in wisdom, and, sometimes even simply uninterested. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts when someone you love or care about doesn’t even seem to think twice about something you can’t stop thinking about. Or when you trust them with everything you have, and you are just rejected. When you tell them your dreams and ideas, and they just don't seem to get it. Or when you come to them with a problem, and there’s just nothing they can do about it. Have you ever had that? Where you’ll just go to a friend and bear your soul out, only to get a one-word answer in response? Or, even worse, you find out they weren’t even paying attention? You trust your dreams and visions to them, and they’ll just tear you up with their words of doubt and mockery. They discourage when they should encourage, and ignore when you’re desperate for attention. You can’t blame them, really, because that’s just their nature, and you have someone wayyy better to turn to. He actually understands your problems, thoughts, desires, and hurts, and can actually do something about them, yet you complain and whine to your friends who have very limited understandings of your dealings and might not even completely care.

On top of all that, today, as I was driving with my friend, she told me a VERY interesting fact. A fact God used to confirm what I He was telling me throughout all this. It came up as we were talking about random conversations we have at school, and she told me that she learned in her communications class it’s not good to share something personal with someone just because they’ve shared something personal with you, because they can use it against you for the very purposes of blackmailing you. ISN’T THAT CRAZY?? It just goes to show that God would never want to hear from you just to harm you, and when He tells you His heart, it’s not because He wants to learn something new about you that he can later use against you, but because He truly loves you. And, besides, when it comes to God, there are no secrets... so you might as well tell Him yours.

The best way to do this, because I like to be practical and applicable, is to get your alone time in. As was also brought to my attention at Winterblast, you can’t really get to know someone until you start to spend time with them. Alone time, that is. It’s not that I am in any way trying to demean the corporate fellowship we have to praise God (“Where two or more are gathered, I am there”) and build each other up, I’m just saying, you want to get to know God? Your pastor, as awesome as he may be, can’t do it for you. You have to get alone with God and find His heart as you ask Him to search yours. God is found in the still, quiet place, so get there. And listen, cuz He whispers.

I was running to people for everything and trusting God with my last thing, when, in reality, I should have been running to God and letting people have pieces of me only when they needed to hear it.

I have made it a point to trust humans with less and God with all. Every David needs a Jonathan, but David would be nothing without God.

I want to run to Him with every problem, with every dream, with every frustration, with every hope, with every request, and, God-forbid, with every crush or anything else of the sort, and just tell Him what's on my mind. Tell Him and only Him. That way, He can truly be my best friend, and not tied for first or second place with anybody else.

God help me.

Which He will ;)

ADIOS, AMIGOS (if you're out there...)

E v e r y t h i n g I'll ever need.

Have you ever had one of those 'duhh' moments? One where you should have just known something, but you didn't? Well, for whatever reason, I had had one of those moments when it came to my relationship with God. However, what I should have realized didn't exactly take me a moment to realize, it took me months. M - o - n - t - h - s. Not to say that my spiritual growth was completely hindered, seeing as I've witnessed some of the most amazing acts of God, heard from God, and even searched more from God in my life during that oblivious time, but I had been waiting on a bit more... and He had been calling me to so much more. I could have so much more than what I was settling for. So. Much. More.

It wasn't really anything that would come as a surprise to many, but it is something I can honestly say I had totally missed. God was literally saying,

"Let me be your everything. Let me take care of you and provide for you the way I know how to."

He said this in a few ways, but the biggest way of all was at a conference I went to called Winterblast. It took me going to the top of a mountain and coming back down feeling completely broken and, not to mention, empty to realize it, but it was so worth it. I believe that weekend was God-ordained, and that He Himself destined for me to be where I was, when I was, but not for the same reasons we would all like to believe. I mean, how else was the man supposed to get my attention if not up on a mountain with almost NO technology, no schoolwork, and nowhere to hide from His beautiful creation? Well, I went, and I listened for God. And I listened for God. And I listened. And I listened. I listened, yet, as much as I wanted to hear from Him, I felt like He just wasn't saying anything. At least, not in the places I'd expected to find Him, like in a preaching or a testimony or a prophesy or a worship session. All these things had simply been preparing me to receive and truly believe what God was getting ready to say to me. It didn't come from where I expected it to, but it came. It came from a simple conversation I had, with the gorgeous, snow-capped mountains in the background. God was telling me to tell Him e v e r y t h i n g.

For the past few months now, God had been calling me to get alone with Him. To tell HIM everything, and, frankly, to let Him be my everything. I kept telling Him He was everything to me, my first & my last, my all-in-all, ect, yet acting in a completely different manner. Like, what??? When I think about it, I want to get really angry with myself, but I'm just so glad I understand it now. At least, almost.

Now, enough introductory stuff, (if you're still with me up until this point, you deserve something good, haha,=)

This is what I feel, specifically, had been built up and finally spoken into my life:

1) Look only to God (alone),

2) Take it to God (problems),

3) Leave it with God (trust Him, He is worthy),

....Then do it all again.

I want to have a strong prayer life because, I'm not gonna lie, I haven't been so diligent in seeking His face this way, yet, He still decides to speak to me. Without any REAL alone time with God and settling for short, 3 minute prayers, I've been like a capable Christian who has spiritual growth, but with a spiritual cold, simply not living up to my full potential.

The only way I would have understood all this, is to have gotten alone with Him. The one who calls me His favorite. The one who thinks I'm to die for. The one who actually did die in order to not have to live without me. The one who...who... the one who simply is. The Great I Am, that is.

I think I need to get even more alone.

Because I won't be so alone.

He should be my everything

He deserves to be my everything,

and He's the best everything I'll ever have. Ever.

I need Him to be my everything.

This is a really long topic that I'd like to go in depth about what I've learned about looking only to God, taking it to God, and leaving it with God, so I'm just going to add them all as different posts. And I believe they may all reach you at different times, or I may add or subtract from them all at different times. Either way, I don't know how much of this ya'll can handle in one post, and I don't know if I've completely learned them all well to fully expand on each topic, but the different aspects are all coming up...

Well, if you're even out there, thanks for zee listen, and yes, I did say listen, and I pray that God would reach you where you are.

Good tidings to all...

Whatever that means.

Hey, it's Christmas time, gimme a break! :)

Well, Night!