So, I'm kind of lost. There's something I know I need to do, but I just don't know what it is, or what to pick from my long list of things to do. And, if there was a word I could use to describe my situation without being redundant, it's confused. I'm so confused. But it's not the bad kind of confused, it's the hopeful kind. Never heard of it? Well, for understanding's sake, I'd like to introduce you.
It's when you know who God wants you to be, yet, for a second in time, you decide that that's not the same person you want to be because of what you might just have to sacrifice, or the anger you'd have to hold in, or just the sheer faith and strength it takes to be a true woman of God. Then deciding two seconds later that it's not true and you really do want to be who God wants you to be because, the person you've been asking God to become, is the very same person He's asking of you. It's not only that, but it's turning around and saying sorry three seconds later, only to commit the same crime 24 hours later.
Why is this good, you ask?
Because it's a struggle I've been taught is beautiful. I've seen it exemplified by one of the most radical believers on the earth, and, as much as I don't usually reference Paul (even though he write one of my favorite books in the Bible), he writes in Romans:
"I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate."
So, at least I can say I'm on the same page with a really cool guy who loved Jesus. I'm confused and "not really understanding myself," just like he was.
And it's hopeful because, a few lines later in that very chapter, paul writes:
"But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it," he adds "Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin."
So there's hope there- a hope that Jesus will soon come and rescue me from my suffering and, not to mention, headache caused by the confusion of who I am, who I've been, and who I'm yet to be.
But that's not the only part of the confused that I am. What can be really confusing is how I'm supposed to feel about things happening in my life. I know how I am to react, for I am commanded to:
"Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again—rejoice!"
But being joyful doesn't necessarily mean being happy. Happiness, by definition, is an emotion brought on by a set of circumstances that bring well-being. So, no, God doesn't command me to always be happy; He Himself wasn't always happy.
No.
In Jesus, we have a person that can relate to all of us, and that's a major reason God sent His son in the first place; we feel better accompanied by those who are more relatable to us. In fact, Jesus, like many of us do today, wept. His friend had died, and I'm not too sure how much of that happy emotion His circumstances were bringing Him. Regardless, He remained faithful and kept with His joy... But He still wept... He was still sad.
Jesus even got angry, yeah, He tore UP that marketplace, and the rebellious and very much so active & alive part of me wishes I could've been there to experience it with Him at that very moment. Just TEAR IT UP! Hahaha. But, I wasn't, and, I believe, as unhappy as His situation made Him, He still kept the commandment of Joyfulness.
So, there's hope for me because, the maker of the stars that shine so brightly above me as I type these words, got just as angry as I can get, and just as sad as I've sometimes been. Not only that, but He's right here doing it over again with me, as He continuously chooses to be found in the midst of my suffering.
And, although I still don't understand what joy truly is (because I know it's not an emotion, for emotions cannot be commanded over someone without circumstances aligning), I know I must have some sort of it. I just know it. I wouldn't know how to define it for you if you asked, but I know it's something that lingers deep within me. I know this because, as undeserving as I am, I have the very Spirit of the Most High dwelling within me, and He bears such fruit.
SOO, that's pretty (hopeful) confusion.
But the worst is this: it's knowing (at least, thinking, now) that God has spoken something into your life and promised you something, then having seemingly everything in your life go the exact way.
It's knowing the promise still stands but fighting to maintain your memory of the very words of God in the first place, because you know faith comes by hearing, and hearing is absolutely not seeing. Because faith is the "evidence of things not seen."
The biggest confusion comes from when the devil discredits the word of God over your life, but in a different way from what you're used to-- from what I'm used to. It's when he does it through situations rather than that messed up whisper I've learned to rebuke. It's then that I get confused. It's when you get the biggest jolt of anger and frustration for wanting to get all that God said He'd give you, and wanting it right there and then, but knowing you have to wait because you're clearly not ready to receive it, otherwise you would have gotten it by now. Then feeling bad for feeling so angry, then feeling sorry for thinking that way, but becoming even more angry for not being able to express your emotions as frankly and bluntly as you'd like, then just getting a headache when you think of the freedom you're supposed to have in Christ, then just crying because you want to give up but you know you can't because this is what you've now decided to base your love upon,
So,
The hopeful confusion, my friends, is being confused about the very reason you're breathing, but knowing that you're breathing for something. It's understanding that the Lord has words that do not, cannot, and will not return to Him void, but still not seeing anything that would make you believe them. I'm promised blessing, but I can't see it yet. Actually, everything in my life right now that God's spoken about seems to be completely wrong; it seems like it's just all going the wrong way. It seems like everything, if it hasn't already, is preparing to fall apart. But it's hopeful because I have faith, because, in those statements I made, I didn't say everything "is" going the wrong way, it just "seems" like it is, but the God I know works beyond what I can currently see. And it's hopeful because I have a God whose thoughts are higher than mine, and He knows exactly what I've got waiting for me. And I'll trust that He'll take care. I want the blessings of Abraham w i t h o u t the waiting of Abraham, but I trust that someday, somehow I'll get somewhere in-between, maybe a little Isaac of my own. But, until then, I'll just keep waiting for whatever it is I'm waiting on.
I'll wait like a boy before his date, knowing that there's nothing to do between now and then, but something's good is coming at the end.
Last of all, hopeful confusion is confusion with a resolve. I'm waiting on something, but I don't know what; I'm excited for something I truly can't see, and I wish I could sneak a peak at just a little glimpse of it to give me a little bit of happiness to last me through this waiting period.
"I have decided, I have resolved, to wait upon You Lord. My rock and redeemer, shield and reward, I wait upon You lord."
Surely, He'll come, as I expect the sun to come up tomorrow morning to greet me and start my day, I expect my promise from the Lord and, maybe, like David, I can make use of this quiet time and get ready for a blessing with whatever sheep and harp I have, because, He IS coming.....
As CERTAIN as the dawn appears,
You'll come.
As soon as my heart is thirsty enough to be *flood* into ;)
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