I don't have much time to write today, seeing as I want to pray before I go to bed on this somewhat (actually, very) stressful yet blessed Wednesday evening. However, I didn't want to go to bed without putting this one question out...


How insane would it be if we all had a true revelation that the GOD of everything is on our side. Imagine how many more things we'd try and how many less things we'd fear.

Just think about that.
I know that I would be a lot less stressed about a lot of things if I wholeheartedly believed that God was for me.

Well, anyway. I pray that, tonight, as we all continue on our spiritual walks and missions, we would remember the words of Isaiah 41:10


"So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My Whole Life is Yours, I Give it All, Surrender to Your Name.

     Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm supposed to write, I just know I need to write...
And this is one of those times. I hate writing without a point. You know? It's just like walking around outside with nowhere to go...but you just kind of start walking. And sometimes that's okay because you need the fresh air. I guess that's what I'm feeling. 


     These days, I feel like I have to push to get anything I want. I mean, anything at all. It's not as though I can remember a time in my life where I've recieved everything I've wanted with incredible ease, but I can't seem to have anything I want nowadays without a struggle. I mean, in the past, I used to work moderately hard for some things and exceptionally hard for a few, far-gone things and then sometimes I'd get lucky and things would be handed to me, just like any normal person. 


But, now... Not so much. 


Maybe this is me whining, and maybe this is me just noticing what's going on in my life, but I just feel like now, if I want it, I have to put up a good fight to get it. 


And life's just become hard like that. 


I don't know how to describe it... I'm completely fine. Everything (praise God) is good. School's alright, church is fine, friends are good, family's doing well...Yet. Everything is so dang hard at the same time. 
I don't know...


This blog post is filled with as many 'I don't know's' as my life is at the moment. 


I don't remember if I blogged about this or just talked to a lot of you guys about this, but, last year, I asked God to make me hard worker. It just seems like now I don't even have the option not to be.


It makes me laugh because I've talked a lot in my blog posts about how God tells me anything easy isn't going to be worth it... so maybe everything that's going on in my life right now is just set up to be so worth it in the future that I have to work hard for it. Maybe none of it is easy because all of it is worth it. When I say worth it, I mean the kind of worth it like when you stay up an entire night doing an assignment only to realize you would have never gotten the grade you did had you not put in all that extra effort.  


And maybe that's just where my life's at. Again, I don't know. This is just me kind of giving my mind a breath of fresh air and a chance to "walk around outside" in a sense that I need to organize my thoughts, walking around nowhere. Or maybe that's just it. 



I've noticed that carries over to my spirtitual life too. I could just sit here and be fine with God like I am now, just like everything's just fine...Or I can work. I can press in more, push harder and look harder to discover more of a beautiful God that I've barely touched the surface of. 


Because my God, even more so than my calling and my future, is just that big. 


I have to work now because when you get comfortable in your spiritual life is when you're probably not growing the most. In the words of Brooke Fraser, "the uncomfortable circumstances of life give us opportunities to grow & become better people..." And I want to be better.  


I'm guess I'm just exhausted. My friend, Brook, texted me earlier today and said, "I feel like you need a vacation...And you're 17 -___-"


It made me laugh, but it also made me realize that he's right. I really don't want to try anymore. Maybe this is just the human side of me or maybe the lazy side of me (again, I don't know), but I feel like I'm not the person everyone sees as so put together and knows what she's doing at all anymore... and I don't even want to try anymore. 


Giving up sounds insanely pleasant right now. And I don't mean just taking a vacation like Brook said, I mean just not hoping for the same things anymore. Like settling for average or whatever it is that I was working so hard not to be. 


I'm tired like the fishermen were in Luke 5, where, after a long time of fishing with no catch, they started washing their nets only to find Jesus commanding them to


    "push out into deep water, and lower your nets for a catch." - Luke 5:4


I'm that kind of tired. I feel like I'm drowing with what I have to do, and right when I want to get out of the water, clean my net, and go home, Jesus wants to tell me to "push out into deep water."


But look at the result in verse 6. 


 The fishermen put their nets into the water. Their nets were filled with so many fish that they began to break

Go deeper. That's it. You're tired, you've been up all night... But there's a catch. You're not working to no end, you just have to press in a bit more. I'm doing this because I love you. I want to teach you, and I want you to find more of me.

 And maybe that's what God's telling me.

I feel like I'm playing to lose, but I'm grateful I even have the chance to wake up and work hard another day and for God's word that reminds me that I am more than a conqueror.

The only reason I won't quit? Because, I, like Brooke Fraser and William Booth, have given God all there is of Emnet, and I refuse to take it back.

I might be telling God I'm tired like the disciples did in verse 5 of that chapter, but I know His response isn't a response to let me quit. It's one of love that knows there's something bigger on the deep end. I just gotta go there in obedience. And I'm grateful I even get the chance to, because I don't deserve the grace of a future and calling as beautiful as God promises mine to be in Jeremiah 29:11.

So, friends, I'll leave you with this next quote in relation to your calling and just not giving up. I still miss you guys, and thanks if you're still reading these.


"Here ends another day, during which I have had eyes, ears, hands and the great world around me. Tomorrow begins another day. Why am I allowed two?” 
― G.K. Chesterton

The Times Tootsie Pops and Starburst are Absolutely Called For

 Remember what I blogged last night about being in a winter-ish seaosn and how that can sometimes bring unexpected snow days? Guess what today brought....

Ohh, yeahh.

But it's not like I knew about it or anything when I was writing, I was in my new room... in my basement... so I couldn't even see what it looked like outside, my analogy just kinda came to life.

So that leads me to blog again and to remember God's grace. Ahh.

I feel like there's no need to worry about anything anymore. Like, anything.
When I let go and let God I get... well, snow days.

It's been hard feeling like the whole world is against me, or like someone is out to ruin all my plans (which someone is- the devil), but it's really nice to just truly understand what God means when He says,


"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." - Jeremiah 29:11 MSG.


You know how in Extreme Makeover: Home Edition it looks crazy when they knock the entire house down and then it looks amazing what they put up in its place? That's what I'm seeing God wants to do with our lives when we hand them to Him. And when we start screaming, "What do you think you're doing??" when we see He's completely tearing our houses down, He gives us Jeremiah 29:11 as a response- "I know what I'm doing. And, I'm God, so it's gonna be beautiful..."

These days I feel I'm set up to fail, like I'm just digging myself out of a hole or fighting a losing battle that I just go through the motions to fight, but God reminds me in Joshua 1:5 that it's just the opposite.

I'm giving you every square inch of the land you set your foot on—just as I promised Moses... It's all yours. All your life, no one will be able to hold out against you. In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't give up on you; I won't leave you.

For me that verse just says, "you're gonna win. All this stuff you're up against? It's gonna be all yours soon." 


So I'm going to obey Matthew 6:25 and just chill out. Let go and let God.

Ohhh. And sometimes just take all the candy that the snow day calls for - for the body and the soul (before you start your lovely homework). Have a beautiful, worry-free day, ya'll.

=)

The Lights Around Here Change Fast, Don't They?

          I think it's suffice to say that I haven't posted since August, and that was the last time I feel I've really had to gather all my thoughts and just somewhat organize everything that's been going on in my life. It's not like I'm really doing big things, I'm just moving forward from where I've been.

           Someone said it. "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

           It's November, and God's teaching me that we're not meant to stay in August forever- to stay in what's been comfortable and what we've come to like. I'm one of those people that absolutely loves summer. I mean, I daydream of the summertime, and I celebrate its start every year. So I'm just going to use that as my example of the harvest season or whatever we Christians describe our spiritually high times as. My August is evidently over- there's snow on its way tomorrow morning, and I'm writing from my new bedroom, a completely different setting/atmosphere than what I'm used to writing in. The point is, though, that maybe winter isn't all bad.
          Since this past summer where God changed my life completely, I've somehow been thrown forward onto this path where I'm not sure where I'm going, I just can't stay where I've been... And that sometimes means leaving people behind.
           If I've talked to you lately about my struggles or the biggest things in life, you may have heard me use the terms 'lonely' or 'alone,' and it's because I've found myself wrestling with them on an almost daily basis for the past couple of months. I've been trying to describe this for a while, and I've been saying things like, "I may be lonely, but I'm never alone... I just feel alone." But I've come to find that maybe I actually am alone.
         When I say I feel alone, there has never been a day in my short, seventeen years of existence where I've truly believed that there was no one with me in an 'empty' room. That is, I have always known in the back of my mind the presence of the Almighty God would never escape me, and I'm a firm believer in the words of Matthew 28:20. . . But I am alone in the sense that no one around me really is seeking out the same things I am. No one cares about what I care about, and no one really feels what I feel when I step into a crowded hallway at school.
         I think it's all because maybe I'm truly becoming a misfit. I'm uncomfortable with a lot of my surroundings now, and I couldn't put my finger on it until I thought about why I was feelings so alone... because I am.

         But, you know what I've discovered? I've discovered that it's not original to wear an original costume on Halloween... You're still dressing up- like everyone else is on that day. That example of last night's holiday I think God brought to my mind to challenge me- to challenge me to really understand what it means to step out and seek what God wants for me in life, and sometimes that can mean feeling and actually being alone because, once you choose to pursue Jesus, you become radical... You step out of what the world is used to and knows, and you step into the unique person God has set you apart to become. Yeah, set you apart to become... not set you with everyone else to become.
       And then I guess you become a misfit, where the things around you just don't satisfy you, and you find that others just don't understand...
       
       And, through all this, I am thankful.  I am thankful because I know that God sees me. He sees that I want to want what He wants for me, and He knows that everyone is looking for someone to follow, so He wants to make me the type of person that will lead them to Him if they choose to follow me.
       That "follow me as I follow Christ" thing that Paul talked about? Yeah, it really is to be walked out.   I'm not gonna say this hasn't been messy, but I seriously see how strong God can be in my weakness. I'm becoming kinda OK with being out of my element at the moment because winter can mean unexpected snow days at school, and, in the words of Francis Chan,
 
       "If life were stable, I'd never need God's help. Since it's not, I reach out for Him regularly. I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God."


       Not only this, but in my most dire moments I guess you could call them, God has sent me verses like Joshua 1:5 to remind me that He's with me all the and way, and we are more than conquerors in Christ. That, yeah, we're alone because we're misfits, and we're misfits because we're alone, but God whispers, "I will never leave you nor forsake you, missy. Ever." I added that 'ever' in... Just as a reminder. For me.

       And, thanks to Steve Jobs and Pastor Chris Durso for relating it back to Christianity in his messages, we have this quote that shows us the road we're traveling is the narrow but rewarding. So I'll leave you with this:


“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo.  You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."      

It's time to start stepping into your own.

If you're like me, you get in deep, meditative moods sometimes. I'm in one of those right now. Usually, when I enter into that kind of mood, I seek out some Brooke Fraser. And now, I just feel like writing. So that's what I'll do.

I never realized how intense this summer would be. I thought I would blog a lot more than I have, and I that's okay. I mean, I wish the date on the calendar read July 8th instead of August the 8th, but something inside of me is just so okay with this summer being over...and not because it hasn't been amazing. I'm going to miss it a lot, especially with being the summer-fanatic I naturally already am.

God's shown me so much favor these past few months, but it's been about more than that. It's like this summer has been all of my heart's desires wrapped up into one prayer, and God just responded, "Yes, you can have it all."

I'm sorry for my lame way of explaining that...

Words just can't describe it. And it's not to say that all the little things I've asked God for were given to me, it's just that I feel God literally reached down and answered something I've asked Him about since I was just a little kid.

Going back to Brooke Fraser. I've written about her song, "Arithmetic," and how it was my favorite song in another one of my blog posts. I love this song, and if anything could encapsulate what's in my heart, that would be it. I don't have it on my ipod or anything because I'm afraid of over-playing it and making it lose its meaning, so I don't get to hear it often. Well. It's like things have come into full circle now because (I know I'm not that old), but there's a part where she goes, "When the years are showing on my face, and my strongest days are gone...you'll still be the one I want..."

And that's where I'm at. What I wanted ten years ago in my life *crack a you're-so-young joke right here if you want* is still what I want today, and His name is Jesus. My faith has been tested, and I know I still want God. I know He's still what I live for, and that makes me want to step into my own. It's like the words of 1 Timothy 4:12 where Paul writes "do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but, set an example..." are coming to life for me. I'm at the point where it's time to take ownership of my faith, be the example because there's no one left to copy...and, as hard as it is sometimes, I'm doing it because HE is the one I want. I can finally get up and do things people don't agree with because I know He's the one at the beginning of it, and He's the one at the end of it. Bottom line.

I set the example because, like Pastor Nate said, it's a "follow me as I follow Christ" type thing.

I do things bc of Him.

 This may or may not get deleted because I'm half- asleep right now and may think differently about this post in the morning, but I love you guys. I can't believe I'm so tired so early on a summer night though!

Well. Bye, now.

This Title Will Not Contain Hillsong Lyrics...

... because I'm going to be talking about them right now.

There's a song,  called "Like an Avalanche," that I'm sure almost every Hillsong-loving, Christian has fallen in love with. I can say a lot about the song, like how a friend told me they fell asleep to it because they listened to it so many times after coming home from a conference where we played it during prayer. Or I can talk about how beautiful whoever sings lead in it sounds. It's a good song, it really is. But there's a part in the song where she goes, "Jesus, how I adore you."

And that's the part of the song that gets me. Everything good, eveything I hope to be, and everything I love... That's in Jesus. I adore him. And when you finally tell someone you love a lot that you adore them, it comes from the most honest place inside of you. It moves you.

That's how I feel about a lot of the surrender that's happening in my life. I feel like I know how hard everything is becoming, but I know exactly why I'm doing it. Because I adore Jesus. I adore Him, and I want to become more like Him. And that's a process. But at least I know why I'm going through it. 


Because I adore Him.


Jesus, how I adore you. 

This is Why we Work Hard and Continue to Struggle

I find that some of my best blog posts come out of being broken.

I've been trying to write a blog post for a while, I've even included the lyrics to "Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong in some of my attempts, but it's just not cranking out. So, here is my late-night attempt at encapsulating all my feelings and sharing them with you. To start, I'm pretty darn scared right now. And I know I shouldn't be, but a lot of change is coming my way. It's like, as my seasons change, God gives me more to handle. He gives me more responsibility...so I suppose He trusts me with more.

I'm not so much scared of failing, I'm more scared of how much harder I'm going to have to work to accomplish what's been given to me. It's more.

I see myself a little like Esther. Not that I'm saving a nation or anything, but it's just like, maybe all this stuff is happening now for a reason... for such a time as this... For this season in my life. For this point in whoever I might encounter's life. Maybe God's preparing me to be my own answer to my own, "use me" prayer.

I can hear God tell me about how He wants me to approach what's to come in my life... with Him in mind. He's telling me to remind myself of the 'why' of things. I know the absolutely incredible, Leah, somewhat touched on this in her blog (I can never stop talking about how amazing Leah's blog is... go follow it), and I'm finding I'm learning something really similar, if not the same as her. I'm learning more and more that I have to re-evaluate the reason I am doing things.

I was having one of those off days on Wednesday, one where everything was making me really upset and blah...blah...blah. To add to that, I was running late to my guitar lesson. And. It's kind of pointless to be really late to a music lesson because, for the most part, they don't last that long. At least, the ones I take don't. So when you show up 15 minutes late to a 30-minute lesson, it's just kinda dumb. I was thinking about how annoyed I was and how annoying it was that I was even late and how mad I was at everything in life anyway and how stressed out I was and all my negativity, when the song "You Deserve" came on.

Let me just tell you, I was about to start bawling my eyes out at that stoplight. I was completely convicted by the words of the bridge, where it's like, "I can't imagine a life without You, without You, cuz it's all for You, God!" And they're all just yelling it to God at that one part of the song.

And God reminded me right there, before I even got to the music school. I just felt God go, "What are you even doing music for? What are you doing any of life for?" And I remembered why. I'm not trying to go learn music just so I can go learn music... cuz it's all for Him.

I love it, but it's not the point. I love my life, but even that's not the point. I'm not taking a thirty-five minute drive to a Christian music school just to take a thirty-five minute drive to a Christian music school. I live for God, and everything I do has to be in an effort to lift Him up. He is the point. Whether I'm falling down or walking upright, He's the reason I get up or keep walking. I learn music so I can play, but for His glory and His kingdom... To fulfill a calling I know He has placed on me, not one I've given myself.

And that's what my mentality has to be towards everything.

Why do I suck it up when people mistreat me for no reason? God. Why do I go to school? God. Why do I bother praying or staying up late when I'm exhausted to read my Bible? God. Why do I even try to build relationships with the people around me? To spread the love of God.

There's no other point but Jesus.

...this line scripture caught my eye today.

1 Timothy 4:10

"...This is why we work hard and continue to struggle, for our hope is in the living God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers."


So that's why I move. That's why I breathe...
That's why I'm writing right now, and that's why I got out of bed this morning...

God, who is the Savior of all people and particularly of all believers.


p.s. . . speaking of Hillsong, their CD comes out in four days...on my wonderful friend, Sydney's birthday! Go, buy it...and follow her blog!


...and, speaking of change, my bff, Teri, who has a lovely fashion blog, took the picture I now have as a new background on here...you should follow her blog! She knows her stuff and loves Jesus a ton...


They're both amazing people!